Thursday, December 22, 2011


Ever get that feeling where you just feel that there's something inherently wrong with the world?

That humanity is in a state of decay and decline, slowly crumbling down, or gradually building up to an implosion?

That you don't know your place in the world?

That you're going nowhere?

That, somehow, you don't deserve what you have?

That you were meant for more, and you wish for more, but you're somehow stuck in a rut you can't get out of?

That you wish you could just run away, abandon modern civilisation as it is, to live a simple life free of the worries, complications and excesses of the modern world?

That you want to change the world for the better, but the traps of bureaucracy, greed and a lack of fame, influence and money stymie any efforts you might make, leaving you completely helpless?

I feel as though it's my job, as a human being like any other, to leave the world in a better place than when I was born into it.

If I died tomorrow, knowing I did something to make the world a better place, knowing that I changed someone's life for the better, however small those changes may be, I'll be happy.

I'll die knowing I did good.

That's all I ask for. Nothing more.

Monday, December 05, 2011

The mindset of champions

Unflinching. Unrelenting. Uncompromising. Unforgiving. Unstoppable.

Those are all words that could be used to describe a champion of any sort, whether in sport, academia or any other field of interest.

They are known for being hard to work with. They are demanding. They don't compromise. They refuse to be second-best. They choose work over play. They pay attention to and fuss over every single, minute detail, for fear that one little slip-up would destroy all their chances of winning. They have sky-high standards, not just for themselves but for others around them; and they chastise those who fail to meet their standards of excellence. In other words, they drive everyone else around them insane.

But what if those qualities of a champion, are exactly what are needed to survive in this harsh, cruel world?

I realise many don't aspire to be champions, and even fewer become ones. Many people are simply content with getting on with their lives as normal, not pushing themselves if they don't have to. They don't set out to achieve extraordinary things, or redefine rules, or break records, or change the world. They just want to lead normal, simple and unassuming lives.

But for champions, they crave more. They crave the thrill and the glory of winning. The satisfaction of having beaten everyone else to the top spot to claim the ultimate prize, whatever that may be. The knowledge that they've made their mark on the world. That they've gone where few have gone before. They came, they saw and they conquered. End of story.

The reality is simple logic; if you don't set out to win, you lose. If you don't go out of your way to beat everyone else to the top, you're beaten. You're defeated, crushed, demoralised. That's the sad, unpleasant truth of the world, and one that we all must face at some point in our lives.

To champions, winning isn't everything; it's the only thing.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Hereafter: A Poem


The Gates of Heaven read
"The saints live, the sinners bleed"
Be among the latter, and
Eternal damnation awaits thee.

Before the armoured angels, the wounded soldier stands,
Neither a saint, nor a sinner,
But a human being like any other,
In strength and fragility, love and despair.

They speak, "You are not worthy of this kingdom hereafter,
You have killed, slaughtered, burned,
Every man, woman and child against you,
Have you no shame, soldier of war, harbinger of evil?"

His face serene, he simply appeals,
"Judge me not by my deeds on the battlefield,
But by the life I have lived
Before my time here, after."

The angels recompose, and scrutinise him
A broken man, his light dim,
With nothing left to lose,
But still filled with virtues.

"Your heart is true, your spirit gallant,
Your soul is tender, your will valiant,
You have always done what is right,
But should that be a respite?"

"That I cannot judge,
I do what I must,
For I am only a human,
Flawed like all others, and at the end of my time."

"But you had a choice,
Man has the gift of free will,
Or was the prospect of battle too much of a thrill,
One that simply had to be fulfilled?"

"That is a lie!
For my country I died,
A noble cause with flaws,
For it flouted heaven's laws."

A long pause, before they move,
"Alas, God and man cannot be reconciled,
Eternal life beyond, or damnation below,
In this hereafter, the will of God you shall follow."

Saturday, November 26, 2011


If I could have superpowers, I'd have the ability to fly at the speed of light, to breath in space and to breath underwater.

Imagine it: I could fly up into the pillows of clouds and into the cold blackness of space, swim to the dark depths of Challenger Deep, and simply escape from life and all reality on the surface.

I could traverse the galaxies at the speed of light, perhaps finding new life and proving once and for all what I've always believed - that we're not alone in the universe. I could explore the nebulas, the newborn and dying stars, dozens of planets, fly to the very edge of space, and perhaps even come across a black hole, though of course I'd be smart enough not to go anywhere near it. And the cold, dark emptiness of space provides perfect solitude; I could stay there forever, gazing at the stars, and picking which one to explore before blasting off at lightspeed for it. Or I could simply fly to the moon, sit on its dusty surface on the top of one of its many craters, and stare across at Earth as it drifts in and out of daylight and nighttime, over and over again, gazing at its daily motions and that of humanity's as well. A dream come true, indeed.

Or I could explore all of the oceans, and discover secrets unknown to mankind. The lost city of Atlantis, perhaps, if Plato was really telling the truth; all its secrets and treasures in all their glory and perhaps even its people who are cut off from all contact with the surface world. Or lifeforms completely unimaginable to man residing in dark, unexplored depths. I could get close to and touch the most magnificent lifeforms, ones which few if any men have laid eyes or hands on. Perhaps if some schools of fish, whales or turtles were migrating, I could hitch a ride with them, letting them take me wherever they're going. And how could I forget the thrill and adventure of coming into contact with some of the most spectacular and dangerous sea creatures known to man, like the great white shark; imagine the adrenaline rush of seeing one, then swimming away at top speed if they should think I'm food and chase after me. And besides, sometimes the company of animals beats that of humans; perhaps a little swim with some blue whales, dolphins or whale sharks. We don't have to talk; just a little company together would be perfect. :) Oh, and how could I forget Challenger Deep? The deepest, darkest point on Earth, that only a few submersibles have ever explored. The unbelievable quiet and darkness of it, once again perfect solitude.

Or I could simply fly up into the clouds, and lie there staring up at the blue sky as it melds into the atmosphere separating the Earth from space. I could then travel to anywhere in the world I want to, visiting all the places and seeing all the sights I've longed to see my whole life. And I'd never get lost, either; I'd simply fly up into space and back down home whenever I like.

Oh, the possibilities. I couldn't ask for anything more, really. But if only I weren't a normal human being. :)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Insignificant humanity

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Look again at that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."
- Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space

That's all of humanity and its history on less than a pixel of an image, captured from 6 billion kilometres away by Voyager 1.

On that "Pale Blue Dot", as that picture has come to be known as, against the vastness and blackness of space.

If you think about it, we're all...insignificant. All our wars, troubles, joys, despairs...on that tiny, almost unnoticeable blue dot seemingly in the middle of nowhere.

All of seem to think that we're important, that we're special, that we matter.

The "Pale Blue Dot" shows us that we aren't. Not one tiny bit.

Monday, November 21, 2011

What I'd give...

What I'd give to be here...

Beachy Head and Lighthouse, East Sussex, England

Grimstad, Norway

Keswick, Cumbria, England

Glenridding, Cumbria, England

Lake Mapourika, New Zealand

Florence, Italy

Friday, November 18, 2011


Life is overrated.

Not one day goes by, when I don't question my existence on this Earth.

I didn't ask to be born.

I wasn't screaming from the dark depths of some invisible space to be born into the world.

I haven't been given the gift of life. I've been given the burden of it.

The burden of having to live at least another 60 years.

The burden of having to go through all that life has to offer. The truly worthwhile moments of which happen to be out of my reach. While its dark, unforgiving, cruel aspects are so very near, I could reach out and touch them. And all would be lost.

What am I doing here? I'm just taking up air and space on this Earth.

Life. I never asked for it.

"Nobody said that life would be easy. They just promised it'd be worth it."


It's not worth it.

It's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Now I just have to wait till the day I die, for it all to finally be over.

Thursday, November 03, 2011

Have a little faith


You're not supposed to understand it. You just have it.

People question why I keep so much faith in you.

It's because I dare to believe. I dare to hope.

I dare to believe that you can achieve much more than you think you're capable of.

I dare to hope that everything will work out in the end.

But most of all, I dare to believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.

Remember: Have a little faith.

Not necessarily in a higher power, but in yourself.

You may let yourself down, but you'll never let me down.

Because I'm right here behind you. Always.

Don't you ever forget that.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Cruel memory

I hate my memory. I really do.

I remember things I don't want to, or even need to for that matter.

Every little shameful, embarrassing, humiliating moment.

Guilt. Regret. Denial. Doubt. Worthlessness. Distance.

Every single feeling of it.

I remember them all.

Even worse, I can't seem to remember the things I need to most.

Important things. Like schoolwork.

Unless schoolwork starts to destroy me from the inside out, eating and chipping away at my mental defenses, I may never be able to remember everything that I need to.

Because, memories may fade. But scars last forever.

Friday, October 07, 2011

Goodbye, Steve Jobs

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- Apple Inc.

"Think Different." That was your company's motto.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs. I may not be a huge Apple fanatic (the only Apple product I own is an iPad 2), but neverthess, I recognise that the mark you left behind was indelible. You changed the way technology worked, you changed the way we looked at it and used it, and through that, you changed the way we lived our lives. In short, you changed the world.

I'll never look at my iPad the same way again. It'll be a stark reminder of what the world has gained, but lost as well.

Once again, R.I.P. Steve Jobs. You will be sorely missed.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Nothing: A Poem


There is nothing you can say or do
To make me change my mind
I need to be free from these ties that bind
Go away! I don't want to see you ever again
Lest I be trapped once more in this ghastly den.

There is nothing you can say or do
To turn the clock back
The time has come, and this will soon be but a flashback
Secretive and rich, a little scary
You were ever the mystery.

There is nothing you can say or do
For the hour has passed, it is too late now.
These transgressions, I cannot allow
Enamoured in your grasp, consumed by your power
It wasn't long before I was torn asunder.

There is nothing you can say or do
For tonight I take my leave
No longer do I believe
The deceit in your voice, the lies in your eyes
Alas, now I say my goodbyes.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Another idea


"Oh yes."

"Who are you? What have you done to her?"

"Nothing. She and I are one and the same. Always have been, always will be."

"Then...then what are you?"

"I'm the evil that haunts every dark corner of your mind. The demons of your unconscious come alive."

"No...this can't be happening."

"Oh, but it is. And I've been waiting for this day to come."

"No, you can't be real."

"Oh, but I am. I'm as real as it gets."

" is it possible?"

"You created me. I am a part of you, your mind, heart, and soul."

"No, no, no. This is all a lie. If you're part of my mind, and I created you, then I can just as easily destroy you."

"You may have created me in your mind, but I am very, very real. I'm a living entity in my own right. And there is nothing you can do to stop me."

"No, get away from me. You're not real, you can't be. You're only in my mind."

"But I'm real enough to finish you off. You're mine!"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The thin line

"It's simple: there is good, and there is evil. The two sides are opposite, as different as day and night. And the line between them is clear. Or at least, it's supposed to be."

But is that all that simple? Is that line between them as clear as it's supposed to be? Or is it blurry, allowing for plenty of grey areas?

It's a thin line between good and evil. And maybe one that's impossible to find, too.

In the world of fiction, there are plenty of characters who display antiheroic or byronic tendencies, ones that blur the line between whether they are to be regarded as heroes or villains. Does one good deed make a serial criminal a hero? And does sadistic torture inflicted onto the vile, cruel criminal undeserving of life by the righteous hero make them, well, a villain?

Here's where moral ambiguity comes in.

None of us are strictly good, nor evil. We have both in us, with one side being more prominent than the other, manifesting itself in us as we go about our daily lives. This leads to us being judged on our actions as either good or evil. But in reality, everything we do, from the decisions we make to the people we meet, everything, is neither right, nor wrong.

Rather, they are both, because ultimately, good and evil are subjective; what is righteous to one may be regarded as pure evil by another.

Taking revenge on someone who has wronged you in the worst possible way? Some would applaud you, while others would be appalled at your lack of compassion and forgiveness. The former would regard you in high esteem for dishing out your enemy's just desserts, while the latter would condemn you for sinking to your enemy's level, for being cold-hearted, unforgiving and ruthless, just like them in every single way.

Things in life are never really clear cut; they are always polarising. So what are we, really, if we're neither good, nor evil? Where do we really stand, and whose side are we on?

Since we fall somewhere in the middle, then we can only assume this:
We stand alone, on nobody's side, but our own.

Saturday, September 03, 2011


Things change.

Funny how they do.

Breaking promises you once made. Forgetting people who once mattered. Doing things you'd previously told yourself you'd never partake in. Going from being confident and self-assured, to lost and confused, as you realise you're just not cut out for certain things. Leaving the past and everything you once knew behind.

It's the end of an era and the start of a new beginning. Or it could just be the beginning of the end. Depends on how you look at it.

Inevitably, it's all part of moving forward in life.

Things change.

Sad, but true.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

One last goodbye

What would you give, to say one last goodbye?

Something today reminded me of the last time I said goodbye, to people I once held close, and whom I've lost touch with, never to see again.

It was hasty, and hurried. Walking to class while everyone else was leaving, distracted with many other things on my mind. We crossed paths, and he came up to me, and said he just wanted to say goodbye, since he was leaving the next day. In the haste of the moment, I almost forgot to think, simply muttering "Yeah...bye." A simple pat on the shoulder, and we parted ways, walking in opposite directions.

And that was it. I'll probably never see him again for the rest of my life.

Only later on did it hit me, reminding me of the all the goodbyes I said before I moved here. Hasty ones. Thoughtless ones. Empty words. What I felt then was nothing compared to what would feel now if I was forced to say goodbye to a friend I'd perhaps never see again.

I'd give anything to see them again. To be able to say one last, proper goodbye. To make promises to keep in touch. To remember them as they were at that moment in time. To say that perhaps in the future, when I can, I'd make the trip across the world to see them.

But no. It's too late now.

It's perhaps one of the few things in life that I ever regret not doing.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Science and Faith

The two things in the world that could not possibly be anything other than polar opposites.

Or can they?

Where science fails, faith makes up for it.

Where we're unable to investigate or explain the origins of the universe via the scientific method, believing in the presence of a higher power beyond the realms of logical reasoning suffices to quench mankind's neverending thirst for knowledge and the ultimate truth.

And where the proof of science contradicts religious teachings, then religion humbly bows to whatever that proof is, and gracefully accepts the errors of its faith.

Which is why neither hardline atheists nor religious bigots have my support. In fact, they could be best friends for all I care, due to their shared narrow-mindedness and stubborn insistence of indoctrinating those who do not share their views with their own flawed beliefs.

A harmonious relationship, no?

Friday, August 12, 2011


That feeling of inner quiet, and peace.

Silence floats in the air.

Your lips form a small smile.

You lie down, and curl up, closing your eyes.

"I know you're right here with me," you whisper in your head.

Nothing can hurt you now.

You're safe.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Failure and resilience

I guess we can all relate to this situation at some point in our lives: when we can't take it anymore and are on the verge of giving up. We try so hard, but never get very far. We work our hardest, but never achieve what we hope to. Past experience inhibits us, planting seeds of doubt into our minds, of whether we are capable of achieving what we set out to do in spite of the fact that we try our hardest and do our best.

But as we stumble and fall, we learn to pick ourselves back up and try again. Something I guess what everyone struggles with is trying again so many times, yet missing the mark each and every time. All the blood, sweat and tears all come down to nothing. Demoralising as it is, it's understandable when people finally decide to give up and pursue another goal, something worth their time and effort, knowing that they will reap whatever benefits lie at the end.

Psychologically, failure hits you hard every single time. Some people are resilient, and find it easy to bounce back from failure and try again. Others not so much; for them, repeated failure simply indicates an inability to achieve something, and so it makes sense for them to move on to other goals worth investing their time and effort in.

Perhaps, resilience comes from that little voice in your head saying:
"Never give up. Not now, not ever."
"You can do it. Pick yourself up and just try again."
"Have a little faith. Not necessarily in a higher power, but in your abilities, and in the fact that everything be okay in the end."
"Do your best, and leave the rest."

You may fall many times, but you can always pick yourself back up. Don't lose hope, and don't lose faith. But most of all, don't give up, and don't look back.

Ali in the Jungle - The Hours

It's not how you start, it's how you finish,
And it's not where you're from, it's where you're at

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
With odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no

It's not where you are, it's where you're going
Where are you going?
And it's not about the things you've done, it's what you're doing now
What are you doing now?

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up now?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
Well with odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no
No, no, no

It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback...

Saturday, August 06, 2011


You punch the wall. Your knuckles bleed.

Throw things. They smash into a million pieces.

Slam the door. The sound echoes down the hallway. Lock it.

Slump against the wall. The screeching of your clothes as they rub against the rough surface.

Shout. Scream. Yell. Wail. Cry.

Blame yourself. Blame others.

Tell everyone else to go away, to leave you alone.

You seethe. Your heart races, throbbing so hard against your ribcage you feel it might burst. Your face flushes red.

The urge to kill rises out of the black depths of your dark heart. Nothing can stop you now.

Watch out.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Nobody can save you now.

You're next.

You're mine.

Friday, July 29, 2011

For all the messed up people out there

I guess we all feel messed up and alone at some point in our lives. People think we're just plain crazy when that happens. Sometimes we actually are, but really, no: most of the time, we're sane as can be. It's just the world that's gone mad.

Welcome to the club. This one's to all of us.

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on

Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to

I'm talking to myself in public

Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep

Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell

I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be

How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Monday, July 25, 2011

Cadel you legend

I know this post is unlike me, but anyway...

CONGRATULATIONS CADEL!! :D You're well and truly the deserving champion of the Tour de France 2011. You've fought the blistering elements, the torturous mountains and your toughest rivals bravely, and made history as the first Australian winner of the world's toughest bike race. You deserve every bit of your victory. The whole of the country's behind you, and you've done us proud. YELL FOR CADEL!! :D:D

Sorry, I'm a bit of a cycling nut, just had to pay a little tribute. :P Now all we need is a public holiday to celebrate this piece of sporting history...Julia Gillard, if you want an instant boost to your approval rating, you'd be wise to give us one. Sadly, you're not.

All other sports ain't got shit on cycling. There isn't a sport more physically and mentally draining. Try pedalling non-stop for 4 hours straight (on average) as you climb mountains, and sprint to the finish line at the end of a stage as you set your eyes on the prize. Try keeping your morale up as the rain beats down on you, the blistering sun scorches your back and the wind fights against you. And to add to that, the risk of crashes (particularly around sharp corners and descents), along with injuries and even death. Every single day (well apart from two rest days) for three weeks, in the legendary Tour de France.

Damn, it makes every other sport look like the domain of weaklings. Soccer, rugby, AFL, etc...really? Put any one of those sportsmen on a bike, drop them off at the base of a mountain in France (either in the Pyrenées or the Alps) and see how they fare. Those guys probably can't even make it 20 metres up the mountain. They've got nothing on professional cyclists. Absolutely NOTHING. But then again, each sport to its own, though I must say professional cycling is perhaps one of the toughest sports of all.

God, I'm suffering Tour de France withdrawals now, and the race just finished about an hour and a half ago as Cadel stepped on the podium on the Champs-Élysées to the strains of the national anthem, the pride of the nation (and the flag) on his shoulders. Just gotta wait until next July then. :)

Once again, congratulations Cadel Evans. :D You've done us proud and we admire your strength, courage and fighting spirit throughout the entire Tour. You're a magnificent role model not just for the sport, but also for everyday people like us who look up to you for your never-say-die attitude, something we all aspire to. I say, if this isn't Australia's greatest sporting achievement, then I don't know what is.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Disjointed thoughts

Just let me go already, please.

I can't take it much longer.

Let it all stop.

Let it all pass.

Let it all be forgotten.

Leave me be.

I can't do this.

I just can't.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm scared.

So, so scared.

I can't hold on for much longer.

I can't breathe for much longer.

Walk away.

End it all.

I never should've.

Will you come back?

What happens next?

I don't know.

I don't know what to see.

I don't know what I see.

Someone take me away.

Far, far away.

Take me someplace secret.

Let the world pass by.

Quiet now.

Sleep now.

Where are you when I need you the most?

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me?

I'm right here.

Help me, please.

Save me.

From everything.

But most of all, myself.

Things left unsaid.

Words left unspoken.


Just wait.


Tuesday, July 05, 2011

The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June


The things people do to attain it.

But only when they have attained it, do they realise what they have lost along the way.

That is, everything.

The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June

Growing up I found the life that I knew
Overshadowed by the anger in the clutch of abuse
And shells and bullets fell and dropped to the floor
I put an end to an era and I started a war
When I carried out the worst of my plans
I was the only one surviving and a miserable man

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly

And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

When I conquered, no one came to my side

Ruined the life I wanted and I burned what was mine
And in the ashes I had found what I lost
Nothing left inside me and I cursed at the thought
I sat alone and put my head in my hands
And what I thought was a solution, was a horrible plan

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly

And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

In all my life, I've taken over slowly

And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?
Is there no one to save me?

Note: I don't own the picture above. Credit goes to its artist, Nathan Long. :)

Sunday, July 03, 2011


Crippling and devestating, yet also powerful and uplifting. The power of fear.

But what does it really mean to be fearful? To simply be scared? To run away and hide in a corner? To curl up into a ball and pretend that life's horrors don't exist? Or on the contrary, to stand up and fight the threat, real or perceived, overcoming or suppressing your basic survival instincts?

It is perhaps the one of the few things that brings us to our knees, but also allows the inner strength we never knew we had to emerge forth and overcome obstacles. We fight our fears and blindly summon up all our courage to face the very thing that could make or break us. That's when you think, "This is it, all or nothing." Things could turn out right the way we hoped them to, or they could go horribly wrong in ways we never even imagined and weren't prepared for. And it's fear of the latter that inhibits so many of us from doing things and seizing opportunities that might never cross our paths ever again.

But at the same time, fear weakens us and bores a hole to the core of our souls, exposing our human failings and mortal weaknesses. It destroys even the strongest of wills, and delivers a crushing blow to the strongest of mental shields, enough to break the line of defence and advance into the ultimately fragile territory of our consciousness; and from there, nothing and nobody can save you. We're not superhumans; none of us are invincible and subsequently immune to fear. Debilitating and terrifying, we silently scream for help in the futile hope of salvation, that ultimately doesn't come. We're all alone, just us and fear; not standing side by side, but merged together into our very beings. Inescapable and intolerable, we break down as our minds crumble into dust, simply to be swept off with the wind, never to be recovered ever again.

We'd be foolish to say that we have no fear, for we all do, regardless of the circumstances and potential consequences; we're just good at hiding it. But just as we wouldn't surrender in the face of our worst enemy, neither should we submit to fear. Fight it with all your might, and do what is ultimately right.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Never forget

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

The power of feelings. So strong are they, that they stay with us for the rest of our lives. We may forget the things that people said or did to us, but we will never forget how they made us feel with their words and actions.

Perhaps that's why bitterness is so hard to let go of. Time may pass, and you may even forget what happened, but the feelings of injustice and of being done wrong by remain unchanged. As much as you can't remember what happened in the past, you still look on with contempt and anger, those nagging feelings persisting even though you're unable to recall their origin.

I guess that's why forgiveness is so hard; it's not easy letting go of feelings. Perhaps that's why it's such an admirable trait; it's not easy to forget, let alone forgive. Those who manage to find it in their hearts to forgive those who have wronged them possess incredible strength and warmth beyond words, a truly humbling and respectable trait that most strive for, but few attain.

But is it always wise to forgive? Sometimes people commit acts of atrocity and spew forth vitriolic words that don't even deserve a second thought of forgiveness. Not even the sincerest apology would change anything; the cut's been made, the hurt's been felt and the scar is never going to fade. Second chances are simply out of the question.

Words and actions fade with the passage of time, but feelings always stay the same. Remember that the next time you're about to say or do something that could profoundly affect someone in ways you never imagined, for they will remember and carry it with them for the rest of their lives. And forgiveness isn't necessarily an option, either.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

We don't matter

Nobody gives a shit about us. Nobody cares who we are or what we do because we're small, insignificant human beings who don't matter; we haven't done anything to make a difference or change the world, so it wouldn't make a damn of a difference if we died tomorrow; the Earth would still turn, life would still go on and nobody important would even care that you died.

We live in a society so consumed by narcissism and self-importance to the point where we're all attention-whores, seeking validation from other people as a measure of our self-worth, when really, let's face it, we mean nothing.

Nobody cares what you're up to, so there's no point writing a status on Facebook or any other social networking site telling everyone what you're doing at that very moment or what happened to you that day. Likewise, nobody cares about your private life, so there's no point in sharing your relationship status or your numerous personal problems with the world, the latter in the (gag-inducing) hope of eliciting feelings of pity and sympathy from fellow 'friends'. Yeah, like anybody in the virtual online world would actually give a crap.

You wanna be noticed and cared about? Then go out there and make a difference, and do something to make the world a better place. Otherwise shut up and stop complaining about your own problems; there are other bigger, more important ones out there in the world that need solving; like poverty, disease, climate change, pollution, endangered species, environmental destruction, economic crises, oppressive governments, human rights abuses, wars and so on and so forth.

So before you start wailing to the world about your problems via Facebook, Twitter or some other public platform, think about all the other problems that matter way more than your own petty ones.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Breaking point

The point where you can't take it anymore.

The point where you take a deep breath, close your eyes and allow yourself to feel the tears well up in your eyes, refusing to fight them back.

The point where brutal reality takes over and your illusions of hope fade away.

The point where your willpower goes out the window and you succumb to whatever's been tormenting you.

The point where you slide over to the quiet corner, and curl up, burying your face in your knees.

"Help me, please."

"I'm losing my mind."

"Where are you when I need you?"

"Somebody save me."

Words you never thought you'd utter until now.

Breaking point. The point where everything begins and ends.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Do you really know me?

They say, in order to know a man, you have to walk a mile in his shoes.

I guess we can never say we fully know someone inside out until we, figuratively, walk a mile in their shoes.

Sure, we may claim to know people close to us very well; but define "very well". Is it knowing their personality; their loves and hates; their past, secrets, fears, hopes and dreams; the way they think and feel; and how they see the world? That's all but one small part of knowing someone like the back of your hand.

Unless we go through what they have experienced, feel what they have felt and do what they have done, we can never say we truly know them.

The most we can do is empathise with them, and imagine what it must've been like to walk in their shoes. But it'll never replace the real thing, experiencing it all in the flesh, right then and there, and living in the moments that forever defined them.

Perhaps the real selves of us will forever remain an enigmatic mystery to all but those who've shared our experiences. Sort of like an in-group with an exclusive membership. And one that's not necessarily desirable either. But we are the sum of everything life has thrown at us, and we should be ready for whatever comes next.

But one thing I'm sure of is this: we'll never walk alone.

Monday, June 13, 2011

I'm not surprised

Nothing about anyone surprises me anymore.

I've seen the most normal, good-natured of people reveal sides of themselves no-one would have ever thought existed, their unassuming facades suddenly stripped away to expose a sinister and malignant entity.

I've heard from them revelations, lies and secrets that most would struggle to comprehend, coming from such a person whom they previously thought had nothing to hide.

That's because, like I stated in my 16 simple rules, everyone has a dark side. They just good at hiding it, that's all. And more often than not, too good at it.

Looks are deceiving; deep beneath the surfaces of even the most innocent, ingenuous of people, lie dark secrets, shameful regrets, fears, insecurities and guilts.

It's not as though people changed and stopped being who they used to be; it's simply that they brought their other, dark side to the surface for the world to see. They've always had it within them, like an alter ego, almost. They just never showed it to the world until now.

Which is why I do nothing more than simply raise an eyebrow or two, or scoff at some seemingly earth-shattering revelation about anyone nowadays. It's nothing new; it's been there all the time, just bubbling beneath the surface, hidden away and repressed like a painful memory, waiting for the day it can finally burst forth and shock everyone, and bring with it far-reaching implications for everyone in the person's life, be they family, friends, lovers or colleagues. And that's when everything, and possibly even life as you know it, changes. Perhaps forever, too.

Unless of course, you were expecting it all this time.

Monday, June 06, 2011

When life shits you...

Sometimes, this is all you want to say to this thing we call Life:

A nice big FUCK YOU.

Saturday, June 04, 2011

The End - Pearl Jam

One of my favourite songs that strikes a chord with me every single time I listen to it. Poignant, deep, beautiful yet simple, all at the same time. One of Pearl Jam's best songs. :)

The End - Pearl Jam

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made
Now left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Slide on next to me
I’m just a human being
I will take the blame
But just the same
This is not me
You see
I’m better than this

Don’t leave me so cold
Or buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
And know I’m worth your love
I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It’s my fault now,
Having caught a sickness in my bones
How it pains to leave you here
With the kids on your own
Just don’t let me go

Help me see myself
Cause I can no longer tell
Looking out from the inside of
The bottom of a well
It’s hell
I yell
But no one hears

Before I disappear
Whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo
In my unknown future's ear

My dear
The end
Comes near
I’m here
But not much longer.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Guardian angels

Is there a guardian angel watching over each and every one of us?

Watching and looking over us, silently guiding us through life as we go through its motions, roughs and tumbles?

Do they let us make mistakes so that we may learn from them, and protect us from making those that could cause irreparable harm?

Do they comfort us when we are sad, and revel in our moments of joy and happiness?

Do they give us strength in times of weakness, faith in times of crisis, hope in times of despair, and courage in times of fear?

And all of that through subtle manipulations of our mind that we are unconscious of?

Like the wind that blows through our hair, and like the air that we breathe, do we not see them, although they are always there?

Their existence is debated. But the notion of them is fascinating in itself.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

I need you, but only if you need me

As it's stated in my now 16 simple rules, I am of the firm belief that the only people we need in our lives, are those who prove that they need us in theirs.

Which makes you stop to think, do I really matter to the people in my life? Or do they see me as a transient, nondescript human being, whom they have no desire to connect with? Someone who wouldn't care or grieve if I lost my life the next day, or walked out of their lives, never to return?

Once you have assessed that, you start to realise how many people you could just cull from your life, just because they could very well do without your existence. It wouldn't make a damn of a difference to them if you left; life goes on and they wake up the next day thinking nothing's changed. Though everything has for you.

Perhaps you need them; you cherish them and value them, but do they reciprocate that equally? Or even at all?

What do you do when they walk out of your life, leaving a gaping hole behind in it? They meant something to you, but to them, you were nothing. Nothing at all. Only something to be called upon when needed, and cast aside when not.

Which is why you cull those relationships that run like a one-way street. And early, too. You know the saying: leave before you're left.

As selfish as that sounds, just think about all the people whom you meant nothing to.

The end justifies the means.

Thursday, May 26, 2011


Winter came early.

The days are short, the nights long.

Cooped up at home next to the heater, gazing forlornly at the empty space in front of you, all alone and quiet while the heat drives away the last bits of cold. Sleep begins to come over you, and almost like a spell cast by an invisible, benign presence, you're in the land of the warmest spring; a rolling, blooming meadow of green, with ice-capped mountains in the distance. Mother Nature in all her glory.

Peace. But not for long.

The eerie blues taint the amber glow of life. Like a blue filter in the lens of a film camera. Everything suddenly becomes dull, lifeless and grey. Colours are almost unnoticeable, desaturated or ignored to the point of almost non-existence.

You descend into darkness and coldness. Like a void that only the turning tide of spring can lift you out of. A gravity so deep you cannot pull yourself out of it; one that gets deeper as the months go on and the void of nothingness grows ever deeper.

It's getting colder every day. Metaphorically speaking, too. A cold shoulder; a cold stare; an icy comment uttered in breathless haste, vapour barely escaping the near frozen, chattering mouth.

Your demons appear before you. Mocking you, taunting you, belittling you. You fight them, but to no avail. Never in your life have you been surrounded by company, yet felt so alone in the world. The people around you become faceless and alien. The inexplicable, piercing gazes of empty faces that inexorably penetrate your mind and stir up your deepest fears, long repressed in your subconscious that now bubble to the surface, about to explode cathartically with destructive force. The walls of your mind begin to collapse as the mounting tide of fears and demons crash against them angrily with hell-bent determination of setting themselves free.

A silent cry of help echoes in your mind. Nobody can or will hear you. Or even bother for that matter.

The strange things winter does to you.

But in the darkness, the light shines ever more brightly.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

This arbitrary life

I never asked to be born into this world.

Not saying that I'm ungrateful of my existence. It's not like I had a choice; I just so happened to be brought into this world by my parents.

But I never asked to go through life and all its ups, downs and roller coasters in between. I never asked to feel great happiness, but also great despair at times. I never asked for problems and dilemmas, or their solutions either. I never asked to meet all the people I've encountered so far, or lose the ones I held close.

I never asked for any of that, or anything at all for that matter.

I never asked to exist.

Monday, May 09, 2011

Innocence and nostalgia

Remember a time when the world wasn't like the way it is now?

There was respect, honour, trust and loyalty, but most of all, simplicity.

Most, if not all, of those traits don't seem to exist anymore today.

Whatever happened to leading a simple life, free of complications whatsoever? One that was simple, good, honest, but most of all, true? We all seem to get caught up in so much drama and bullshit that we could very well do without, but no; we still find ourselves in complicated, confusing, bitter, tense or awkward situations where what's done is done, but the memory of the past lingers on like a menacing threat; a haunting, murderous monster intent on breaking your will and shattering the remnants of your mind before it goes in for the kill; lying subdued, but simmering at the back of our minds, harshly repressed and buried deep in order to avoid a cathartic explosion of emotions and actions that could possibly destroy us.

Whatever happened to trust, honour, respect and loyalty? We seem to have foregone that in favour of a quick fix. Instant solutions to instant problems. We don't need to hang around for anything anymore - there's always something else out there that meets our needs better and faster. We discard things just like we do old broken toys - without a second thought, without a second look back; and it's all forgotten in a flash.

Whatever happened to thinking things through, before making decisions and doing things for the sole purpose of going further to something more, instead of instant self-gratification? Why do we all do things without thinking twice about the consequences, both on ourselves and others? Now, we seem to act before we think, all with the purpose of immediately fulfilling our instinctual, even animalistic, desires. There's no such thing as waiting anymore - if the opportunity's there, we grab it; no questions asked and no second thoughts.

In a world gone mad, those are the only things I have left: trust, honour, respect, loyalty and an appreciation of the simple things in life. After all, the latter is perhaps the one that makes us happy, in a society cluttered with so much garbage that's impossible to avoid wherever we go and in whatever we do.

But I'm determined to remain grounded. Nothing and nobody will compromise my values, beliefs and standards. I will do whatever it takes to defend those things that I hold dear. That I promise myself.

Friday, May 06, 2011

Six degrees of separation

"You know, my friend's brother's friend's cousin's boyfriend's sister..."

Sound familiar?

The theory of six degrees of separation posits that everyone is, on average, approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth. That is, any two people on the planet can be connected on average in six steps/links or fewer.

You might think it's strange and profoundly impossible, given the Earth's population of nearly 7 billion people spread across all 7 continents. But in an increasingly interconnected and globalised world fuelled by technological leaps and bounds in communications, where artificial barriers are lowered or abolished, allowing information, capital, goods, services and people to be universally mobile, that notion is becoming more of a stark reality than anything.

Especially when it hits you close to home, on a personal level.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

8 Simple Rules...Revised

The previous 8 simple rules that I live by have been revised to include 8 more. :)

1. Nobody's perfect.
2. Everybody's different.
3. Never be emotionally swayed; always be stoic.
4. Nothing lasts forever.
5. Nothing ever happens for a reason; life is random.
6. No matter how hard you try, there are some things in life you just can't control.
7. Don't change for anyone or anything; be yourself.
8. Never give up.
9. Everybody has a past; secrets, regrets and skeletons in the closet.
10. Sometimes, your past doesn't define your present.
11. Everybody has a dark side; they're just good at hiding it. Too good, sometimes.
12. Never judge; each to their own.
13. Sometimes, there's no such thing as a second chance.
14. Sometimes, we have people in our lives, just so we can learn to live without them once they're gone.
15. The only people you need in your life, are the ones who prove that they need you in theirs.
16. Passion fuels the fire that burns in your heart. If you absolutely love something, go for it and don't look back.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

To do or not to do...

Which are we more likely to regret: something we did do or something we didn't do?

Are we more likely to regret that drunken late night phone call, or not telling a certain someone how we really felt about them before they left?

Working at a job that we don't enjoy, even though it pays well, or not following our dreams and passions, even if it's hard to etch out a decent living from them?

Choosing to leave in order to chase our dreams, or choosing to stay for the sake of loved ones?

We all do things that we regret, and we all regret not doing things as well. But which of the two are we going to wish we had a second chance at: of righting wrongs and undoing past mistakes, or seizing opportunities that are probably never going to reappear in our lifetime ever again?

I'd say, if it makes you happy, go for it and don't look back. :)

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Pursuit of Happiness

I know what you're thinking: it's missing Life and Liberty, as the phrase goes in the US Declaration of Independence.

But...happiness. What is it, really?

Is it having everything we need and want in life? Be that fame, fortune and/or maybe even someone else by our side?

Is it being able to wake up every morning with a smile on your face, without a worry in the world? Or maybe even waking up next to a special someone?

But why do we strive to be happy?

Why do we do anything and everything in our power to be happy?

I guess, happiness comes from having meaning in our lives. Something to live and breathe for. Something to fight for and protect. Something that makes us want to get out of bed each morning, and that puts a smile on our faces as we fall asleep each night.

Happiness comes from knowing we're not simply on this Earth just because we happened to be born into it. That we're contributing and making a difference, no matter how small, and no matter to whom or what. That we mean at least something to someone and cannot leave the world without significantly impacting on their lives, be they friends, family or lovers.

But could we still be happy, without all of those things?

Saturday, March 12, 2011


Sometimes, the loneliest of people are the ones who are surrounded by the most people.

You'd think otherwise, but no. The more people there are, be they family, friends, acquiantances or strangers, the more distant and lonely one can feel.

In a fast-paced world where everything seems to zoom past in a flash, it's easy to get left behind all on your own; when you want to slow down, but the rest of the world demands that you catch up.

That's when loneliness kicks in.

You'd rather stop and stare, while the rest of the world flashes a quick glance before moving on. You're standing still, while the world's a blur of people moving all around, not taking notice of you or knowing you even exist. You'd rather take things slowly, while everyone else urges you to move quickly, in a world consumed by instant self-gratification and narcissism. You're the only sane person in a world gone mad, the voice of reason amongst a collective chaos of noise, lies and foolish decisions.

More often than not, however, the best company one can have is simply oneself. Just you and you alone, whether it be lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling, or sitting at the beach watching the waves and the gazing at the infinite horizon.

But then again, two's company and three's a crowd.

Maybe with a close friend by your side, perhaps enjoying a deep conversation or staring in companionable silence at the empty space in front of you. After all, silence is golden; sometimes the best things are said when words aren't spoken at all.

Loneliness isn't when you're all alone by yourself. It's when you're all alone while being surrounded.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

A little something...

It's not about the breaths you take or the breaths you take away.

It's how you breathe.

Friday, February 04, 2011

What you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be

Be strong enough to know when you are weak, and brave enough to face yourself when you are afraid.

Be proud and unbending in honest failure, but humble and gentle in success.

Never substitute words for actions.

Don't seek the path of comfort, but face the stress and spur of difficulty and challenge.

Learn to stand up in the storm, but have compassion for those who fall.

Master yourself before you seek to master others.

Have a heart that is clean, and a goal that is high.

Learn to laugh, but never forget how to weep.

Reach into the future, but never neglect the past.

Be serious, but never take yourself too seriously.

Be modest, so that you will remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength.

From General Douglas MacArthur's Sylvanus Thayer Award acceptance address. Credit goes to American Rhetoric for the speech. The full text of the speech is here.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

Fate vs. Free Will

The eternal question. Are we in control of our own destinies and futures, or are there deterministic forces that are out of our control and render free will an illusion?

You could argue that we're in control of our lives and thus our destinies. If anything, we make our own Fate. Everything that we do and all the conscious decisions we make directly affect us, with consequences that sometimes cannot be foreseen. You could take the view that nothing in life happens for a reason. That whatever happens, happens. More often than we'd like, things happen to us that simply have no shred of meaning, no matter how much we search. Such random things puzzle us and make us question the existence of Fate. Would Fate will such things upon us? I think not.

It would be naive, however, to think that we are in control of absolutely everything. Of course, there are some things in life that we just cannot control, no matter how much we wish we could. Like whether you'll do well on an exam or test even though you've studied your arse off and did the best you could. Or whether the object of your affections feels the same way about you. Or whether you'll win a scholarship or competition you've spent months preparing for. Those things are out of your hands. Not in Fate's hands, but in the hands of the other party/parties: the examiner; or the one you admire; or the judging panel. The voice of Fate isn't nagging at their minds, telling them what to do, feel or decide. It's all up to them, and nobody else. And if things don't turn out the way you hope they do, well then what can you do? That's that. No use thinking it's Fate, because there were two parties involved; and Fate was not one of them.

But at the same time, it would be much easier to base everything that we do or that happens to us, good or bad, as the will of Fate. It's like making an excuse for things; just because Fate willed them, we push the blame onto Fate and refuse to take responsibility for them. It serves as a strange sort of refuge from the harsh realities of the world; like "I'll leave it up to Fate" or "Fate had it that I did this/that this happened to me and I'll have to accept it."

Imagine a guy's about to suicide. He jumps off a building, but miraculously survives the fall, albeit with serious injuries. It's not unreasonable for him to think that perhaps Fate willed for him to live, not for him to end his life so abruptly. He then concludes that he's been given a second chance at life, and proceeds to then make the most of it while he still can.

Of course, it would be easy in that case to believe that Fate really does exist. But then again, what if, just by chance, he happened to not fatally injure any vital organs as he landed, thus ensuring his survival?

We can choose to believe either one of those theories; that Fate really did give him a second chance, or he just so happened to not sustain fatal injuries. But will we ever really know? I don't think so.

I guess all we can do is stick to whatever comforts us in the relevant situation. Whether it is accepting the will of Fate or acknowledging other real-world factors that are beyond our control, we seek refuge in trying to find a reason for what happens in our lives. Depending on different circumstances, we tend to believe in either one, but sooner or later, we realise that we can never really be sure of which one exists and which doesn't.

Shall we leave it up to Fate or Free Will to decide that?