One last goodbye

What would you give, to say one last goodbye?

Something today reminded me of the last time I said goodbye, to people I once held close, and whom I've lost touch with, never to see again.

It was hasty, and hurried. Walking to class while everyone else was leaving, distracted with many other things on my mind. We crossed paths, and he came up to me, and said he just wanted to say goodbye, since he was leaving the next day. In the haste of the moment, I almost forgot to think, simply muttering "Yeah...bye." A simple pat on the shoulder, and we parted ways, walking in opposite directions.

And that was it. I'll probably never see him again for the rest of my life.

Only later on did it hit me, reminding me of the all the goodbyes I said before I moved here. Hasty ones. Thoughtless ones. Empty words. What I felt then was nothing compared to what would feel now if I was forced to say goodbye to a friend I'd perhaps never see again.

I'd give anything to see them again. To be able to say one last, proper goodbye. To make promises to keep in touch. To remember them as they were at that moment in time. To say that perhaps in the future, when I can, I'd make the trip across the world to see them.

But no. It's too late now.

It's perhaps one of the few things in life that I ever regret not doing.

Science and Faith

The two things in the world that could not possibly be anything other than polar opposites.

Or can they?

Where science fails, faith makes up for it.

Where we're unable to investigate or explain the origins of the universe via the scientific method, believing in the presence of a higher power beyond the realms of logical reasoning suffices to quench mankind's neverending thirst for knowledge and the ultimate truth.

And where the proof of science contradicts religious teachings, then religion humbly bows to whatever that proof is, and gracefully accepts the errors of its faith.

Which is why neither hardline atheists nor religious bigots have my support. In fact, they could be best friends for all I care, due to their shared narrow-mindedness and stubborn insistence of indoctrinating those who do not share their views with their own flawed beliefs.

A harmonious relationship, no?

Safe

That feeling of inner quiet, and peace.

Silence floats in the air.

Your lips form a small smile.

You lie down, and curl up, closing your eyes.

"I know you're right here with me," you whisper in your head.

Nothing can hurt you now.

You're safe.


Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Failure and resilience

I guess we can all relate to this situation at some point in our lives: when we can't take it anymore and are on the verge of giving up. We try so hard, but never get very far. We work our hardest, but never achieve what we hope to. Past experience inhibits us, planting seeds of doubt into our minds, of whether we are capable of achieving what we set out to do in spite of the fact that we try our hardest and do our best.

But as we stumble and fall, we learn to pick ourselves back up and try again. Something I guess what everyone struggles with is trying again so many times, yet missing the mark each and every time. All the blood, sweat and tears all come down to nothing. Demoralising as it is, it's understandable when people finally decide to give up and pursue another goal, something worth their time and effort, knowing that they will reap whatever benefits lie at the end.

Psychologically, failure hits you hard every single time. Some people are resilient, and find it easy to bounce back from failure and try again. Others not so much; for them, repeated failure simply indicates an inability to achieve something, and so it makes sense for them to move on to other goals worth investing their time and effort in.

Perhaps, resilience comes from that little voice in your head saying:
"Never give up. Not now, not ever."
"You can do it. Pick yourself up and just try again."
"Have a little faith. Not necessarily in a higher power, but in your abilities, and in the fact that everything be okay in the end."
"Do your best, and leave the rest."

You may fall many times, but you can always pick yourself back up. Don't lose hope, and don't lose faith. But most of all, don't give up, and don't look back.


Ali in the Jungle - The Hours

It's not how you start, it's how you finish,
And it's not where you're from, it's where you're at

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
With odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no

It's not where you are, it's where you're going
Where are you going?
And it's not about the things you've done, it's what you're doing now
What are you doing now?

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up now?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
Well with odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no
No, no, no

It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback...

Anger

You punch the wall. Your knuckles bleed.

Throw things. They smash into a million pieces.

Slam the door. The sound echoes down the hallway. Lock it.

Slump against the wall. The screeching of your clothes as they rub against the rough surface.

Shout. Scream. Yell. Wail. Cry.

Blame yourself. Blame others.

Tell everyone else to go away, to leave you alone.

You seethe. Your heart races, throbbing so hard against your ribcage you feel it might burst. Your face flushes red.

The urge to kill rises out of the black depths of your dark heart. Nothing can stop you now.

Watch out.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Nobody can save you now.

You're next.

You're mine.

For all the messed up people out there

I guess we all feel messed up and alone at some point in our lives. People think we're just plain crazy when that happens. Sometimes we actually are, but really, no: most of the time, we're sane as can be. It's just the world that's gone mad.

Welcome to the club. This one's to all of us.


Unwell - Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Cadel you legend

I know this post is unlike me, but anyway...

CONGRATULATIONS CADEL!! :D You're well and truly the deserving champion of the Tour de France 2011. You've fought the blistering elements, the torturous mountains and your toughest rivals bravely, and made history as the first Australian winner of the world's toughest bike race. You deserve every bit of your victory. The whole of the country's behind you, and you've done us proud. YELL FOR CADEL!! :D:D

Sorry, I'm a bit of a cycling nut, just had to pay a little tribute. :P Now all we need is a public holiday to celebrate this piece of sporting history...Julia Gillard, if you want an instant boost to your approval rating, you'd be wise to give us one. Sadly, you're not.

All other sports ain't got shit on cycling. There isn't a sport more physically and mentally draining. Try pedalling non-stop for 4 hours straight (on average) as you climb mountains, and sprint to the finish line at the end of a stage as you set your eyes on the prize. Try keeping your morale up as the rain beats down on you, the blistering sun scorches your back and the wind fights against you. And to add to that, the risk of crashes (particularly around sharp corners and descents), along with injuries and even death. Every single day (well apart from two rest days) for three weeks, in the legendary Tour de France.

Damn, it makes every other sport look like the domain of weaklings. Soccer, rugby, AFL, etc...really? Put any one of those sportsmen on a bike, drop them off at the base of a mountain in France (either in the Pyrenées or the Alps) and see how they fare. Those guys probably can't even make it 20 metres up the mountain. They've got nothing on professional cyclists. Absolutely NOTHING. But then again, each sport to its own, though I must say professional cycling is perhaps one of the toughest sports of all.

God, I'm suffering Tour de France withdrawals now, and the race just finished about an hour and a half ago as Cadel stepped on the podium on the Champs-Élysées to the strains of the national anthem, the pride of the nation (and the flag) on his shoulders. Just gotta wait until next July then. :)

Once again, congratulations Cadel Evans. :D You've done us proud and we admire your strength, courage and fighting spirit throughout the entire Tour. You're a magnificent role model not just for the sport, but also for everyday people like us who look up to you for your never-say-die attitude, something we all aspire to. I say, if this isn't Australia's greatest sporting achievement, then I don't know what is.

Disjointed thoughts

Just let me go already, please.

I can't take it much longer.

Let it all stop.

Let it all pass.

Let it all be forgotten.

Leave me be.


I can't do this.

I just can't.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm scared.

So, so scared.

I can't hold on for much longer.

I can't breathe for much longer.


Walk away.

End it all.

I never should've.

Will you come back?

What happens next?

I don't know.

I don't know what to see.

I don't know what I see.


Someone take me away.

Far, far away.

Take me someplace secret.

Let the world pass by.

Quiet now.

Sleep now.


Where are you when I need you the most?

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me?

I'm right here.

Help me, please.

Save me.

From everything.

But most of all, myself.


Things left unsaid.

Words left unspoken.

Wait.

Just wait.

Please.

The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June

Power.

The things people do to attain it.

But only when they have attained it, do they realise what they have lost along the way.

That is, everything.


The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June

Growing up I found the life that I knew
Overshadowed by the anger in the clutch of abuse
And shells and bullets fell and dropped to the floor
I put an end to an era and I started a war
When I carried out the worst of my plans
I was the only one surviving and a miserable man

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

When I conquered, no one came to my side
Ruined the life I wanted and I burned what was mine
And in the ashes I had found what I lost
Nothing left inside me and I cursed at the thought
I sat alone and put my head in my hands
And what I thought was a solution, was a horrible plan

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

In all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?
Is there no one to save me?

Note: I don't own the picture above. Credit goes to its artist, Nathan Long. :)

Fear

Crippling and devestating, yet also powerful and uplifting. The power of fear.

But what does it really mean to be fearful? To simply be scared? To run away and hide in a corner? To curl up into a ball and pretend that life's horrors don't exist? Or on the contrary, to stand up and fight the threat, real or perceived, overcoming or suppressing your basic survival instincts?

It is perhaps the one of the few things that brings us to our knees, but also allows the inner strength we never knew we had to emerge forth and overcome obstacles. We fight our fears and blindly summon up all our courage to face the very thing that could make or break us. That's when you think, "This is it, all or nothing." Things could turn out right the way we hoped them to, or they could go horribly wrong in ways we never even imagined and weren't prepared for. And it's fear of the latter that inhibits so many of us from doing things and seizing opportunities that might never cross our paths ever again.

But at the same time, fear weakens us and bores a hole to the core of our souls, exposing our human failings and mortal weaknesses. It destroys even the strongest of wills, and delivers a crushing blow to the strongest of mental shields, enough to break the line of defence and advance into the ultimately fragile territory of our consciousness; and from there, nothing and nobody can save you. We're not superhumans; none of us are invincible and subsequently immune to fear. Debilitating and terrifying, we silently scream for help in the futile hope of salvation, that ultimately doesn't come. We're all alone, just us and fear; not standing side by side, but merged together into our very beings. Inescapable and intolerable, we break down as our minds crumble into dust, simply to be swept off with the wind, never to be recovered ever again.

We'd be foolish to say that we have no fear, for we all do, regardless of the circumstances and potential consequences; we're just good at hiding it. But just as we wouldn't surrender in the face of our worst enemy, neither should we submit to fear. Fight it with all your might, and do what is ultimately right.