Ice Phoenix

A life in shadows

2012-02-07T03:51:00.001+11:00

What do you do, when you spend your life hiding?

When you remain the background, not craving the spotlight, and simply fade out of peoples' consciousness?

The shadows. Where you go relatively unnoticed, in peace and solitude, in isolation and quiet.

People stop caring about you. They stop knowing that you exist. You drop out of their lives slowly but surely, as the world moves on and so do they, unwilling to stop to look into the dark corners where the faint glimmer of light shines.

Where it goes unnoticed, slowly but surely fading and dimming away into the eventual point of no return.

In a world that craves and prizes the spotlight, the shadows are demonised.

Few stop to look, and many of those who do turn away in contempt. Others seek to cure you, as if you were inflicted with some disease, and try to force you into the light.

But the ones who do look, and decide to explore, have only just stepped into a world unlike the one they inhabit. An alternate universe, almost. One where the possibilities are infinite, where you are only limited by your imagination and where the answers you've been seeking your entire life will be found. Where you can be fearless. Where you can be unsuffocated by the spotlight of the real world. Where you can be free.

The shadows. A world where, in the darkness, you're a light that shines ever more brightly.

Resistance

2012-01-29T04:23:00.000+11:00

"In the wrong environment, under the wrong influences, even people with the greatest integrity can make the wrong decisions."
- David Brailsford, CBE, Foreword to Racing Through the Dark: The fall and rise of David Millar, May 2011

For how long can you resist something?

When you're living in a world that goes against everything you believe in, how long will it be before those influences and temptations begin to chip away at your willpower, your mental armour?

How long will it take for you to finally give in, to accept and partake in the harsh, brutal reality of the world you live in?

How long, before you break?

A person's integrity can be their greatest asset in their resistance, but like everything else, it can only last for so long.

Many people like to think that they're untouchable, that nothing and no-one can change them or force them to compromise themselves.

The reality is, it's only so long before they fall.

Just like everyone else.

She is...

2012-01-14T21:27:00.000+11:00

This one's adapted from a song. :)

"She walks through the city
No one recognises her face
They don't want her pity
No one ever mentions her name
She's carried the broken
But their scars have no name in her heart
'Cause she walks in forgiveness
She'll shine like a light in the dark

She'll always remember
The days when they welcomed her here
They know if they need her
She made a promise to always be here

When they are weak, she will always be strong
Though they don't know it, they're never alone
No matter how many times they may leave
It's never hopeless, 'cause she still believes"

So what, or who, is "she"?

If you know the song, you'll know the answer. :P

Disillusioned

2011-12-22T04:18:00.000+11:00

Ever get that feeling where you just feel that there's something inherently wrong with the world?

That humanity is in a state of decay and decline, slowly crumbling down, or gradually building up to an implosion?

That you don't know your place in the world?

That you're going nowhere?

That, somehow, you don't deserve what you have?

That you were meant for more, and you wish for more, but you're somehow stuck in a rut you can't get out of?

That you wish you could just run away, abandon modern civilisation as it is, to live a simple life free of the worries, complications and excesses of the modern world?

That you want to change the world for the better, but the traps of bureaucracy, greed and a lack of fame, influence and money stymie any efforts you might make, leaving you completely helpless?

I feel as though it's my job, as a human being like any other, to leave the world in a better place than when I was born into it.

If I died tomorrow, knowing I did something to make the world a better place, knowing that I changed someone's life for the better, however small those changes may be, I'll be happy.

I'll die knowing I did good.

That's all I ask for. Nothing more.

The mindset of champions

2011-12-05T01:11:00.001+11:00

Unflinching. Unrelenting. Uncompromising. Unforgiving. Unstoppable.

Those are all words that could be used to describe a champion of any sort, whether in sport, academia or any other field of interest.

They are known for being hard to work with. They are demanding. They don't compromise. They refuse to be second-best. They choose work over play. They pay attention to and fuss over every single, minute detail, for fear that one little slip-up would destroy all their chances of winning. They have sky-high standards, not just for themselves but for others around them; and they chastise those who fail to meet their standards of excellence. In other words, they drive everyone else around them insane.

But what if those qualities of a champion, are exactly what are needed to survive in this harsh, cruel world?

I realise many don't aspire to be champions, and even fewer become ones. Many people are simply content with getting on with their lives as normal, not pushing themselves if they don't have to. They don't set out to achieve extraordinary things, or redefine rules, or break records, or change the world. They just want to lead normal, simple and unassuming lives.

But for champions, they crave more. They crave the thrill and the glory of winning. The satisfaction of having beaten everyone else to the top spot to claim the ultimate prize, whatever that may be. The knowledge that they've made their mark on the world. That they've gone where few have gone before. They came, they saw and they conquered. End of story.

The reality is simple logic; if you don't set out to win, you lose. If you don't go out of your way to beat everyone else to the top, you're beaten. You're defeated, crushed, demoralised. That's the sad, unpleasant truth of the world, and one that we all must face at some point in our lives.

To champions, winning isn't everything; it's the only thing.

Hereafter: A Poem

2011-11-27T23:30:00.001+11:00

Hereafter

The Gates of Heaven read
"The saints live, the sinners bleed"
Be among the latter, and
Eternal damnation awaits thee.

Before the armoured angels, the wounded soldier stands,
Neither a saint, nor a sinner,
But a human being like any other,
In strength and fragility, love and despair.

They speak, "You are not worthy of this kingdom hereafter,
You have killed, slaughtered, burned,
Every man, woman and child against you,
Have you no shame, soldier of war, harbinger of evil?"

His face serene, he simply appeals,
"Judge me not by my deeds on the battlefield,
But by the life I have lived
Before my time here, after."

The angels recompose, and scrutinise him
A broken man, his light dim,
With nothing left to lose,
But still filled with virtues.

"Your heart is true, your spirit gallant,
Your soul is tender, your will valiant,
You have always done what is right,
But should that be a respite?"

"That I cannot judge,
I do what I must,
For I am only a human,
Flawed like all others, and at the end of my time."

"But you had a choice,
Man has the gift of free will,
Or was the prospect of battle too much of a thrill,
One that simply had to be fulfilled?"

"That is a lie!
For my country I died,
A noble cause with flaws,
For it flouted heaven's laws."

A long pause, before they move,
"Alas, God and man cannot be reconciled,
Eternal life beyond, or damnation below,
In this hereafter, the will of God you shall follow."

Escape

2011-11-26T22:40:00.000+11:00

If I could have superpowers, I'd have the ability to fly at the speed of light, to breath in space and to breath underwater.

Imagine it: I could fly up into the pillows of clouds and into the cold blackness of space, swim to the dark depths of Challenger Deep, and simply escape from life and all reality on the surface.

I could traverse the galaxies at the speed of light, perhaps finding new life and proving once and for all what I've always believed - that we're not alone in the universe. I could explore the nebulas, the newborn and dying stars, dozens of planets, fly to the very edge of space, and perhaps even come across a black hole, though of course I'd be smart enough not to go anywhere near it. And the cold, dark emptiness of space provides perfect solitude; I could stay there forever, gazing at the stars, and picking which one to explore before blasting off at lightspeed for it. Or I could simply fly to the moon, sit on its dusty surface on the top of one of its many craters, and stare across at Earth as it drifts in and out of daylight and nighttime, over and over again, gazing at its daily motions and that of humanity's as well. A dream come true, indeed.

Or I could explore all of the oceans, and discover secrets unknown to mankind. The lost city of Atlantis, perhaps, if Plato was really telling the truth; all its secrets and treasures in all their glory and perhaps even its people who are cut off from all contact with the surface world. Or lifeforms completely unimaginable to man residing in dark, unexplored depths. I could get close to and touch the most magnificent lifeforms, ones which few if any men have laid eyes or hands on. Perhaps if some schools of fish, whales or turtles were migrating, I could hitch a ride with them, letting them take me wherever they're going. And how could I forget the thrill and adventure of coming into contact with some of the most spectacular and dangerous sea creatures known to man, like the great white shark; imagine the adrenaline rush of seeing one, then swimming away at top speed if they should think I'm food and chase after me. And besides, sometimes the company of animals beats that of humans; perhaps a little swim with some blue whales, dolphins or whale sharks. We don't have to talk; just a little company together would be perfect. :) Oh, and how could I forget Challenger Deep? The deepest, darkest point on Earth, that only a few submersibles have ever explored. The unbelievable quiet and darkness of it, once again perfect solitude.

Or I could simply fly up into the clouds, and lie there staring up at the blue sky as it melds into the atmosphere separating the Earth from space. I could then travel to anywhere in the world I want to, visiting all the places and seeing all the sights I've longed to see my whole life. And I'd never get lost, either; I'd simply fly up into space and back down home whenever I like.

Oh, the possibilities. I couldn't ask for anything more, really. But if only I weren't a normal human being. :)

Insignificant humanity

2011-11-24T01:09:00.005+11:00

"From this distant vantage point, the Earth might not seem of any particular interest. But for us, it's different. Look again at that dot. That's here, that's home, that's us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every "superstar," every "supreme leader," every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

- Carl Sagan, Pale Blue Dot: A Vision of the Human Future in Space

That's all of humanity and its history on less than a pixel of an image, captured from 6 billion kilometres away by Voyager 1.

On that "Pale Blue Dot", as that picture has come to be known as, against the vastness and blackness of space.

If you think about it, we're all...insignificant. All our wars, troubles, joys, despairs...on that tiny, almost unnoticeable blue dot seemingly in the middle of nowhere.

All of seem to think that we're important, that we're special, that we matter.

The "Pale Blue Dot" shows us that we aren't. Not one tiny bit.

What I'd give...

2011-11-21T15:41:00.014+11:00

What I'd give to be here...

Beachy Head and Lighthouse, East Sussex, England

Grimstad, Norway

Keswick, Cumbria, England

Glenridding, Cumbria, England

Lake Mapourika, New Zealand

Florence, Italy

Life

2011-11-18T01:56:00.000+11:00

Life is overrated.

Not one day goes by, when I don't question my existence on this Earth.

I didn't ask to be born.

I wasn't screaming from the dark depths of some invisible space to be born into the world.

I haven't been given the gift of life. I've been given the burden of it.

The burden of having to live at least another 60 years.

The burden of having to go through all that life has to offer. The truly worthwhile moments of which happen to be out of my reach. While its dark, unforgiving, cruel aspects are so very near, I could reach out and touch them. And all would be lost.

What am I doing here? I'm just taking up air and space on this Earth.

Life. I never asked for it.

"Nobody said that life would be easy. They just promised it'd be worth it."

Bullshit.

It's not worth it.

It's not all that it's cracked up to be.

Now I just have to wait till the day I die, for it all to finally be over.

Have a little faith

2011-11-03T01:15:00.001+11:00

Faith.

You're not supposed to understand it. You just have it.

People question why I keep so much faith in you.

It's because I dare to believe. I dare to hope.

I dare to believe that you can achieve much more than you think you're capable of.

I dare to hope that everything will work out in the end.

But most of all, I dare to believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.

Remember: Have a little faith.

Not necessarily in a higher power, but in yourself.

You may let yourself down, but you'll never let me down.

Because I'm right here behind you. Always.

Don't you ever forget that.

Cruel memory

2011-10-15T00:18:00.002+11:00

I hate my memory. I really do.

I remember things I don't want to, or even need to for that matter.

Every little shameful, embarrassing, humiliating moment.

Guilt. Regret. Denial. Doubt. Worthlessness. Distance.

Every single feeling of it.

I remember them all.

Even worse, I can't seem to remember the things I need to most.

Important things. Like schoolwork.

Unless schoolwork starts to destroy me from the inside out, eating and chipping away at my mental defenses, I may never be able to remember everything that I need to.

Because, memories may fade. But scars last forever.

Goodbye, Steve Jobs

2011-10-07T01:19:00.003+11:00

"Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
- Apple Inc.

"Think Different." That was your company's motto.

R.I.P. Steve Jobs. I may not be a huge Apple fanatic (the only Apple product I own is an iPad 2), but neverthess, I recognise that the mark you left behind was indelible. You changed the way technology worked, you changed the way we looked at it and used it, and through that, you changed the way we lived our lives. In short, you changed the world.

I'll never look at my iPad the same way again. It'll be a stark reminder of what the world has gained, but lost as well.

Once again, R.I.P. Steve Jobs. You will be sorely missed.

Nothing: A Poem

2011-09-21T23:52:00.000+10:00

Nothing

There is nothing you can say or do
To make me change my mind
I need to be free from these ties that bind
Go away! I don't want to see you ever again
Lest I be trapped once more in this ghastly den.

There is nothing you can say or do
To turn the clock back
The time has come, and this will soon be but a flashback
Secretive and rich, a little scary
You were ever the mystery.

There is nothing you can say or do
For the hour has passed, it is too late now.
These transgressions, I cannot allow
Enamoured in your grasp, consumed by your power
It wasn't long before I was torn asunder.

There is nothing you can say or do
For tonight I take my leave
No longer do I believe
The deceit in your voice, the lies in your eyes
Alas, now I say my goodbyes.

Another idea

2011-09-17T20:29:00.000+10:00

"No..."

"Oh yes."

"Who are you? What have you done to her?"

"Nothing. She and I are one and the same. Always have been, always will be."

"Then...then what are you?"

"I'm the evil that haunts every dark corner of your mind. The demons of your unconscious come alive."

"No...this can't be happening."

"Oh, but it is. And I've been waiting for this day to come."

"No, you can't be real."

"Oh, but I am. I'm as real as it gets."

"But...how is it possible?"

"You created me. I am a part of you, your mind, heart, and soul."

"No, no, no. This is all a lie. If you're part of my mind, and I created you, then I can just as easily destroy you."

"You may have created me in your mind, but I am very, very real. I'm a living entity in my own right. And there is nothing you can do to stop me."

"No, get away from me. You're not real, you can't be. You're only in my mind."

"But I'm real enough to finish you off. You're mine!"

The thin line

2011-09-11T22:01:00.001+10:00

"It's simple: there is good, and there is evil. The two sides are opposite, as different as day and night. And the line between them is clear. Or at least, it's supposed to be."

But is that all that simple? Is that line between them as clear as it's supposed to be? Or is it blurry, allowing for plenty of grey areas?

It's a thin line between good and evil. And maybe one that's impossible to find, too.

In the world of fiction, there are plenty of characters who display antiheroic or byronic tendencies, ones that blur the line between whether they are to be regarded as heroes or villains. Does one good deed make a serial criminal a hero? And does sadistic torture inflicted onto the vile, cruel criminal undeserving of life by the righteous hero make them, well, a villain?

Here's where moral ambiguity comes in.

None of us are strictly good, nor evil. We have both in us, with one side being more prominent than the other, manifesting itself in us as we go about our daily lives. This leads to us being judged on our actions as either good or evil. But in reality, everything we do, from the decisions we make to the people we meet, everything, is neither right, nor wrong.

Rather, they are both, because ultimately, good and evil are subjective; what is righteous to one may be regarded as pure evil by another.

Taking revenge on someone who has wronged you in the worst possible way? Some would applaud you, while others would be appalled at your lack of compassion and forgiveness. The former would regard you in high esteem for dishing out your enemy's just desserts, while the latter would condemn you for sinking to your enemy's level, for being cold-hearted, unforgiving and ruthless, just like them in every single way.

Things in life are never really clear cut; they are always polarising. So what are we, really, if we're neither good, nor evil? Where do we really stand, and whose side are we on?

Since we fall somewhere in the middle, then we can only assume this:
We stand alone, on nobody's side, but our own.

Change

2011-09-03T13:21:00.000+10:00

Things change.

Funny how they do.

Breaking promises you once made. Forgetting people who once mattered. Doing things you'd previously told yourself you'd never partake in. Going from being confident and self-assured, to lost and confused, as you realise you're just not cut out for certain things. Leaving the past and everything you once knew behind.

It's the end of an era and the start of a new beginning. Or it could just be the beginning of the end. Depends on how you look at it.

Inevitably, it's all part of moving forward in life.

Things change.

Sad, but true.

One last goodbye

2011-08-24T22:04:00.002+10:00

What would you give, to say one last goodbye?

Something today reminded me of the last time I said goodbye, to people I once held close, and whom I've lost touch with, never to see again.

It was hasty, and hurried. Walking to class while everyone else was leaving, distracted with many other things on my mind. We crossed paths, and he came up to me, and said he just wanted to say goodbye, since he was leaving the next day. In the haste of the moment, I almost forgot to think, simply muttering "Yeah...bye." A simple pat on the shoulder, and we parted ways, walking in opposite directions.

And that was it. I'd probably never see him again for the rest of my life.

Only later on did it hit me, reminding me of the all the goodbyes I said before I moved here. Hasty ones. Thoughtless ones. Empty words. What I felt then was nothing compared to what would feel now if I was forced to say goodbye to a friend I'd perhaps never see again.

I'd give anything to see them again. To be able to say one last, proper goodbye. To make promises to keep in touch. To remember them as they were at that moment in time. To say that perhaps in the future, when I can, I'd make the trip across the world to see them.

But no. It's too late now.

It's perhaps one of the few things in life that I ever regret not doing.

Science and Faith

2011-08-17T22:13:00.000+10:00

The two things in the world that could not possibly be anything other than polar opposites.

Or can they?

Where science fails, faith makes up for it.

Where we're unable to investigate or explain the origins of the universe via the scientific method, believing in the presence of a higher power beyond the realms of logical reasoning suffices to quench mankind's neverending thirst for knowledge and the ultimate truth.

And where the proof of science contradicts religious teachings, then religion humbly bows to whatever that proof is, and gracefully accepts the errors of its faith.

Which is why neither hardline atheists nor religious bigots have my support. In fact, they could be best friends for all I care, due to their shared narrow-mindedness and stubborn insistence of indoctrinating those who do not share their views with their own flawed beliefs.

A harmonious relationship, no?

Safe

2011-08-12T23:51:00.001+10:00

That feeling of inner quiet, and peace.

Silence floats in the air.

Your lips form a small smile.

You lie down, and curl up, closing your eyes.

"I know you're right here with me," you whisper in your head.

Nothing can hurt you now.

You're safe.

Angel - Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always some reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty
Oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting
Keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack

It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVbkz_3lO3c

Failure and resilience

2011-08-10T00:09:00.008+10:00

I guess we can all relate to this situation at some point in our lives: when we can't take it anymore and are on the verge of giving up. We try so hard, but never get very far. We work our hardest, but never achieve what we hope to. Past experience inhibits us, planting seeds of doubt into our minds, of whether we are capable of achieving what we set out to do in spite of the fact that we try our hardest and do our best.

But as we stumble and fall, we learn to pick ourselves back up and try again. Something I guess what everyone struggles with is trying again so many times, yet missing the mark each and every time. All the blood, sweat and tears all come down to nothing. Demoralising as it is, it's understandable when people finally decide to give up and pursue another goal, something worth their time and effort, knowing that they will reap whatever benefits lie at the end.

Psychologically, failure hits you hard every single time. Some people are resilient, and find it easy to bounce back from failure and try again. Others not so much; for them, repeated failure simply indicates an inability to achieve something, and so it makes sense for them to move on to other goals worth investing their time and effort in.

Perhaps, resilience comes from that little voice in your head saying:
"Never give up. Not now, not ever."
"You can do it. Pick yourself up and just try again."
"Have a little faith. Not necessarily in a higher power, but in your abilities, and in the fact that everything be okay in the end."
"Do your best, and leave the rest."

You may fall many times, but you can always pick yourself back up. Don't lose hope, and don't lose faith. But most of all, don't give up, and don't look back.

Ali in the Jungle - The Hours

It's not how you start, it's how you finish,
And it's not where you're from, it's where you're at

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
With odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no

It's not where you are, it's where you're going
Where are you going?
And it's not about the things you've done, it's what you're doing now
What are you doing now?

Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
How quick are you gonna get up now?
Everybody gets knocked down,
Everybody gets knocked down,
How quick are you gonna get up?
Just how are you gonna get up?

Like Ali in the jungle,
Like Nelson in jail,
Like Simpson on the mountain,
Well with odds like that, they were bound to fail
Like Keller in the darkness,
Like Adams in the dark,
Like Ludwig Van, how I loved that man, well the guy went deaf and didn't give a fuck, no
No, no, no
No, no, no

It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
It's the greatest comeback since Lazarus,
The greatest comeback
The greatest comeback...

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FEbYister6Y

Anger

2011-08-06T17:17:00.001+10:00

You punch the wall. Your knuckles bleed.

Throw things. They smash into a million pieces.

Slam the door. The sound echoes down the hallway. Lock it.

Slump against the wall. The screeching of your clothes as they rub against the rough surface.

Shout. Scream. Yell. Wail. Cry.

Blame yourself. Blame others.

Tell everyone else to go away, to leave you alone.

You seethe. Your heart races, throbbing so hard against your ribcage you feel it might burst. Your face flushes red.

The urge to kill rises out of the black depths of your dark heart. Nothing can stop you now.

Watch out.

You can run, but you can't hide.

Nobody can save you now.

You're next.

You're mine.

For all the messed up people out there

2011-07-29T22:47:00.000+10:00

I guess we all feel messed up and alone at some point in our lives. People think we're just plain crazy when that happens. Sometimes we actually are, but really, no: most of the time, we're sane as can be. It's just the world that's gone mad.

Welcome to the club. This one's to all of us.

Unwell - Matchbox Twenty

All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WziA88-n02k&ob=av2e

Cadel you legend

2011-07-25T03:14:00.005+10:00

I know this post is unlike me, but anyway...

CONGRATULATIONS CADEL!! :D You're well and truly the deserving champion of the Tour de France 2011. You've fought the blistering elements, the torturous mountains and your toughest rivals bravely, and made history as the first Australian winner of the world's toughest bike race. You deserve every bit of your victory. The whole of the country's behind you, and you've done us proud. YELL FOR CADEL!! :D:D

Sorry, I'm a bit of a cycling nut, just had to pay a little tribute. :P Now all we need is a public holiday to celebrate this piece of sporting history...Julia Gillard, if you want an instant boost to your approval rating, you'd be wise to give us one. Sadly, you're not.

All other sports ain't got shit on cycling. There isn't a sport more physically and mentally draining. Try pedalling non-stop for 4 hours straight (on average) as you climb mountains, and sprint to the finish line at the end of a stage as you set your eyes on the prize. Try keeping your morale up as the rain beats down on you, the blistering sun scorches your back and the wind fights against you. And to add to that, the risk of crashes (particularly around sharp corners and descents), along with injuries and even death. Every single day (well apart from two rest days) for three weeks, in the legendary Tour de France.

Damn, it makes every other sport look like the domain of weaklings. Soccer, rugby, AFL, etc...really? Put any one of those sportsmen on a bike, drop them off at the base of a mountain in France (either in the Pyrenées or the Alps) and see how they fare. Those guys probably can't even make it 20 metres up the mountain. They've got nothing on professional cyclists. Absolutely NOTHING. But then again, each sport to its own, though I must say professional cycling is perhaps one of the toughest sports of all.

God, I'm suffering Tour de France withdrawals now, and the race just finished about an hour and a half ago as Cadel stepped on the podium on the Champs-Élysées to the strains of the national anthem, the pride of the nation (and the flag) on his shoulders. Just gotta wait until next July then. :)

Once again, congratulations Cadel Evans. :D You've done us proud and we admire your strength, courage and fighting spirit throughout the entire Tour. You're a magnificent role model not just for the sport, but also for everyday people like us who look up to you for your never-say-die attitude, something we all aspire to. I say, if this isn't Australia's greatest sporting achievement, then I don't know what is.

Disjointed thoughts

2011-07-16T04:44:00.022+10:00

Just let me go already, please.

I can't take it much longer.

Let it all stop.

Let it all pass.

Let it all be forgotten.

Leave me be.

I can't do this.

I just can't.

I can't believe this is happening.

I'm scared.

So, so scared.

I can't hold on for much longer.

I can't breathe for much longer.

Walk away.

End it all.

I never should've.

Will you come back?

What happens next?

I don't know.

I don't know what to see.

I don't know what I see.

Someone take me away.

Far, far away.

Take me someplace secret.

Let the world pass by.

Quiet now.

Sleep now.

Where are you when I need you the most?

Can you hear me?

Can you feel me?

I'm right here.

Help me, please.

Save me.

From everything.

But most of all, myself.

Things left unsaid.

Words left unspoken.

Wait.

Just wait.

Please.

The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June

2011-07-05T21:13:00.007+10:00

Power.

The things people do to attain it.

But only when they have attained it, do they realise what they have lost along the way.

That is, everything.

The Man Who Lost His Soul - Until June

Growing up I found the life that I knew
Overshadowed by the anger in the clutch of abuse
And shells and bullets fell and dropped to the floor
I put an end to an era and I started a war
When I carried out the worst of my plans
I was the only one surviving and a miserable man

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

When I conquered, no one came to my side
Ruined the life I wanted and I burned what was mine
And in the ashes I had found what I lost
Nothing left inside me and I cursed at the thought
I sat alone and put my head in my hands
And what I thought was a solution, was a horrible plan

Now in all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?

In all my life, I've taken over slowly
And feel my hands, and see what I've become
And oh so wrong to leave your love behind me
And I gained the world, but lost my soul
Is there no one to save me?
Is there no one to save me?

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGtvXcmy_kA

Note: I don't own the picture above. Credit goes to its artist, Nathan Long. :) His website is here: http://www.nathan-long.com/

Fear

2011-07-03T01:16:00.003+10:00

Crippling and devestating, yet also powerful and uplifting. The power of fear.

But what does it really mean to be fearful? To simply be scared? To run away and hide in a corner? To curl up into a ball and pretend that life's horrors don't exist? Or on the contrary, to stand up and fight the threat, real or perceived, overcoming or suppressing your basic survival instincts?

It is perhaps the one of the few things that brings us to our knees, but also allows the inner strength we never knew we had to emerge forth and overcome obstacles. We fight our fears and blindly summon up all our courage to face the very thing that could make or break us. That's when you think, "This is it, all or nothing." Things could turn out right the way we hoped them to, or they could go horribly wrong in ways we never even imagined and weren't prepared for. And it's fear of the latter that inhibits so many of us from doing things and seizing opportunities that might never cross our paths ever again.

But at the same time, fear weakens us and bores a hole to the core of our souls, exposing our human failings and mortal weaknesses. It destroys even the strongest of wills, and delivers a crushing blow to the strongest of mental shields, enough to break the line of defence and advance into the ultimately fragile territory of our consciousness; and from there, nothing and nobody can save you. We're not superhumans; none of us are invincible and subsequently immune to fear. Debilitating and terrifying, we silently scream for help in the futile hope of salvation, that ultimately doesn't come. We're all alone, just us and fear; not standing side by side, but merged together into our very beings. Inescapable and intolerable, we break down as our minds crumble into dust, simply to be swept off with the wind, never to be recovered ever again.

We'd be foolish to say that we have no fear, for we all do, regardless of the circumstances and potential consequences; we're just good at hiding it. But just as we wouldn't surrender in the face of our worst enemy, neither should we submit to fear. Fight it with all your might, and do what is ultimately right.

Never forget

2011-07-02T01:35:00.003+10:00

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

The power of feelings. So strong are they, that they stay with us for the rest of our lives. We may forget the things that people said or did to us, but we will never forget how they made us feel with their words and actions.

Perhaps that's why bitterness is so hard to let go of. Time may pass, and you may even forget what happened, but the feelings of injustice and of being done wrong by remain unchanged. As much as you can't remember what happened in the past, you still look on with contempt and anger, those nagging feelings persisting even though you're unable to recall their origin.

I guess that's why forgiveness is so hard; it's not easy letting go of feelings. Perhaps that's why it's such an admirable trait; it's not easy to forget, let alone forgive. Those who manage to find it in their hearts to forgive those who have wronged them possess incredible strength and warmth beyond words, a truly humbling and respectable trait that most strive for, but few attain.

But is it always wise to forgive? Sometimes people commit acts of atrocity and spew forth vitriolic words that don't even deserve a second thought of forgiveness. Not even the sincerest apology would change anything; the cut's been made, the hurt's been felt and the scar is never going to fade. Second chances are simply out of the question.

Words and actions fade with the passage of time, but feelings always stay the same. Remember that the next time you're about to say or do something that could profoundly affect someone in ways you never imagined, for they will remember and carry it with them for the rest of their lives. And forgiveness isn't necessarily an option, either.

We don't matter

2011-06-25T03:42:00.002+10:00

Nobody gives a shit about us. Nobody cares who we are or what we do because we're small, insignificant human beings who don't matter; we haven't done anything to make a difference or change the world, so it wouldn't make a damn of a difference if we died tomorrow; the Earth would still turn, life would still go on and nobody important would even care that you died.

We live in a society so consumed by narcissism and self-importance to the point where we're all attention-whores, seeking validation from other people as a measure of our self-worth, when really, let's face it, we mean nothing.

Nobody cares what you're up to, so there's no point writing a status on Facebook or any other social networking site telling everyone what you're doing at that very moment or what happened to you that day. Likewise, nobody cares about your private life, so there's no point in sharing your relationship status or your numerous personal problems with the world, the latter in the (gag-inducing) hope of eliciting feelings of pity and sympathy from fellow 'friends'. Yeah, like anybody in the virtual online world would actually give a crap.

You wanna be noticed and cared about? Then go out there and make a difference, and do something to make the world a better place. Otherwise shut up and stop complaining about your own problems; there are other bigger, more important ones out there in the world that need solving; like poverty, disease, climate change, pollution, endangered species, environmental destruction, economic crises, oppressive governments, human rights abuses, wars and so on and so forth.

So before you start wailing to the world about your problems via Facebook, Twitter or some other public platform, think about all the other problems that matter way more than your own petty ones.

Breaking point

2011-06-24T00:38:00.001+10:00

The point where you can't take it anymore.

The point where you take a deep breath, close your eyes and allow yourself to feel the tears well up in your eyes, refusing to fight them back.

The point where brutal reality takes over and your illusions of hope fade away.

The point where your willpower goes out the window and you succumb to whatever's been tormenting you.

The point where you slide over to the quiet corner, and curl up, burying your face in your knees.

"Help me, please."

"I'm losing my mind."

"Where are you when I need you?"

"Somebody save me."

Words you never thought you'd utter until now.

Breaking point. The point where everything begins and ends.

Do you really know me?

2011-06-17T02:59:00.002+10:00

They say, in order to know a man, you have to walk a mile in his shoes.

I guess we can never say we fully know someone inside out until we, figuratively, walk a mile in their shoes.

Sure, we may claim to know people close to us very well; but define "very well". Is it knowing their personality; their loves and hates; their past, secrets, fears, hopes and dreams; the way they think and feel; and how they see the world? That's all but one small part of knowing someone like the back of your hand.

Unless we go through what they have experienced, feel what they have felt and do what they have done, we can never say we truly know them.

The most we can do is empathise with them, and imagine what it must've been like to walk in their shoes. But it'll never replace the real thing, experiencing it all in the flesh, right then and there, and living in the moments that forever defined them.

Perhaps the real selves of us will forever remain an enigmatic mystery to all but those who've shared our experiences. Sort of like an in-group with an exclusive membership. And one that's not necessarily desirable either. But we are the sum of everything life has thrown at us, and we should be ready for whatever comes next.

But one thing I'm sure of is this: we'll never walk alone.

I'm not surprised

2011-06-13T16:30:00.001+10:00

Nothing about anyone surprises me anymore.

I've seen the most normal, good-natured of people reveal sides of themselves no-one would have ever thought existed, their unassuming facades suddenly stripped away to expose a sinister and malignant entity.

I've heard from them revelations, lies and secrets that most would struggle to comprehend, coming from such a person whom they previously thought had nothing to hide.

That's because, like I stated in my 16 simple rules, everyone has a dark side. They just good at hiding it, that's all. And more often than not, too good at it.

Looks are deceiving; deep beneath the surfaces of even the most innocent, ingenuous of people, lie dark secrets, shameful regrets, fears, insecurities and guilts.

It's not as though people changed and stopped being who they used to be; it's simply that they brought their other, dark side to the surface for the world to see. They've always had it within them, like an alter ego, almost. They just never showed it to the world until now.

Which is why I do nothing more than simply raise an eyebrow or two, or scoff at some seemingly earth-shattering revelation about anyone nowadays. It's nothing new; it's been there all the time, just bubbling beneath the surface, hidden away and repressed like a painful memory, waiting for the day it can finally burst forth and shock everyone, and bring with it far-reaching implications for everyone in the person's life, be they family, friends, lovers or colleagues. And that's when everything, and possibly even life as you know it, changes. Perhaps forever, too.

Unless of course, you were expecting it all this time.

When life shits you...

2011-06-06T20:01:00.008+10:00

Sometimes, this is all you want to say to this thing we call Life:

A nice big FUCK YOU.

The End - Pearl Jam

2011-06-04T01:54:00.003+10:00

One of my favourite songs that strikes a chord with me every single time I listen to it. Poignant, deep, beautiful yet simple, all at the same time. One of Pearl Jam's best songs. :)

The End - Pearl Jam

What were all those dreams we shared
Those many years ago?
What were all those plans we made
Now left beside the road?
Behind us in the road

More than friends I always pledged
Cause friends they come and go
People change as does everything
I wanted to grow old
Just want to grow old

Slide on next to me
I’m just a human being
I will take the blame
But just the same
This is not me
You see
Believe
I’m better than this

Don’t leave me so cold
Or buried beneath the stones
I just want to hold on
And know I’m worth your love
Enough
I don’t think
There’s such a thing

It’s my fault now,
Having caught a sickness in my bones
How it pains to leave you here
With the kids on your own
Just don’t let me go

Help me see myself
Cause I can no longer tell
Looking out from the inside of
The bottom of a well
It’s hell
I yell
But no one hears

Before I disappear
Whisper in my ear
Give me something to echo
In my unknown future's ear

My dear
The end
Comes near
I’m here
But not much longer.

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqAP5ZA2Lkg

Guardian angels

2011-05-29T01:12:00.000+10:00

Is there a guardian angel watching over each and every one of us?

Watching and looking over us, silently guiding us through life as we go through its motions, roughs and tumbles?

Do they let us make mistakes so that we may learn from them, and protect us from making those that could cause irreparable harm?

Do they comfort us when we are sad, and revel in our moments of joy and happiness?

Do they give us strength in times of weakness, faith in times of crisis, hope in times of despair, and courage in times of fear?

And all of that through subtle manipulations of our mind that we are unconscious of?

Like the wind that blows through our hair, and like the air that we breathe, do we not see them, although they are always there?

Their existence is debated. But the notion of them is fascinating in itself.

I need you, but only if you need me

2011-05-28T01:37:00.003+10:00

As it's stated in my now 16 simple rules, I am of the firm belief that the only people we need in our lives, are those who prove that they need us in theirs.

Which makes you stop to think, do I really matter to the people in my life? Or do they see me as a transient, nondescript human being, whom they have no desire to connect with? Someone who wouldn't care or grieve if I lost my life the next day, or walked out of their lives, never to return?

Once you have assessed that, you start to realise how many people you could just cull from your life, just because they could very well do without your existence. It wouldn't make a damn of a difference to them if you left; life goes on and they wake up the next day thinking nothing's changed. Though everything has for you.

Perhaps you need them; you cherish them and value them, but do they reciprocate that equally? Or even at all?

What do you do when they walk out of your life, leaving a gaping hole behind in it? They meant something to you, but to them, you were nothing. Nothing at all. Only something to be called upon when needed, and cast aside when not.

Which is why you cull those relationships that run like a one-way street. And early, too. You know the saying: leave before you're left.

As selfish as that sounds, just think about all the people whom you meant nothing to.

The end justifies the means.

Winter

2011-05-26T00:24:00.003+10:00

Winter came early.

The days are short, the nights long.

Cooped up at home next to the heater, gazing forlornly at the empty space in front of you, all alone and quiet while the heat drives away the last bits of cold. Sleep begins to come over you, and almost like a spell cast by an invisible, benign presence, you're in the land of the warmest spring; a rolling, blooming meadow of green, with ice-capped mountains in the distance. Mother Nature in all her glory.

Peace. But not for long.

The eerie blues taint the amber glow of life. Like a blue filter in the lens of a film camera. Everything suddenly becomes dull, lifeless and grey. Colours are almost unnoticeable, desaturated or ignored to the point of almost non-existence.

You descend into darkness and coldness. Like a void that only the turning tide of spring can lift you out of. A gravity so deep you cannot pull yourself out of it; one that gets deeper as the months go on and the void of nothingness grows ever deeper.

It's getting colder every day. Metaphorically speaking, too. A cold shoulder; a cold stare; an icy comment uttered in breathless haste, vapour barely escaping the near frozen, chattering mouth.

Your demons appear before you. Mocking you, taunting you, belittling you. You fight them, but to no avail. Never in your life have you been surrounded by company, yet felt so alone in the world. The people around you become faceless and alien. The inexplicable, piercing gazes of empty faces that inexorably penetrate your mind and stir up your deepest fears, long repressed in your subconscious that now bubble to the surface, about to explode cathartically with destructive force. The walls of your mind begin to collapse as the mounting tide of fears and demons crash against them angrily with hell-bent determination of setting themselves free.

A silent cry of help echoes in your mind. Nobody can or will hear you. Or even bother for that matter.

The strange things winter does to you.

But in the darkness, the light shines ever more brightly.

This arbitrary life

2011-05-11T01:44:00.001+10:00

I never asked to be born into this world.

Not saying that I'm ungrateful of my existence. It's not like I had a choice; I just so happened to be brought into this world by my parents.

But I never asked to go through life and all its ups, downs and roller coasters in between. I never asked to feel great happiness, but also great despair at times. I never asked for problems and dilemmas, or their solutions either. I never asked to meet all the people I've encountered so far, or lose the ones I held close.

I never asked for any of that, or anything at all for that matter.

I never asked to exist.

Innocence and nostalgia

2011-05-09T22:45:00.002+10:00

Remember a time when the world wasn't like the way it is now?

There was respect, honour, trust and loyalty, but most of all, simplicity.

Most, if not all, of those traits don't seem to exist anymore today.

Whatever happened to leading a simple life, free of complications whatsoever? One that was simple, good, honest, but most of all, true? We all seem to get caught up in so much drama and bullshit that we could very well do without, but no; we still find ourselves in complicated, confusing, bitter, tense or awkward situations where what's done is done, but the memory of the past lingers on like a menacing threat; a haunting, murderous monster intent on breaking your will and shattering the remnants of your mind before it goes in for the kill; lying subdued, but simmering at the back of our minds, harshly repressed and buried deep in order to avoid a cathartic explosion of emotions and actions that could possibly destroy us.

Whatever happened to trust, honour, respect and loyalty? We seem to have foregone that in favour of a quick fix. Instant solutions to instant problems. We don't need to hang around for anything anymore - there's always something else out there that meets our needs better and faster. We discard things just like we do old broken toys - without a second thought, without a second look back; and it's all forgotten in a flash.

Whatever happened to thinking things through, before making decisions and doing things for the sole purpose of going further to something more, instead of instant self-gratification? Why do we all do things without thinking twice about the consequences, both on ourselves and others? Now, we seem to act before we think, all with the purpose of immediately fulfilling our instinctual, even animalistic, desires. There's no such thing as waiting anymore - if the opportunity's there, we grab it; no questions asked and no second thoughts.

In a world gone mad, those are the only things I have left: trust, honour, respect, loyalty and an appreciation of the simple things in life. After all, the latter is perhaps the one that makes us happy, in a society cluttered with so much garbage that's impossible to avoid wherever we go and in whatever we do.

But I'm determined to remain grounded. Nothing and nobody will compromise my values, beliefs and standards. I will do whatever it takes to defend those things that I hold dear. That I promise myself.

Six degrees of separation

2011-05-06T00:18:00.005+10:00

"You know, my friend's brother's friend's cousin's boyfriend's sister..."

Sound familiar?

The theory of six degrees of separation posits that everyone is, on average, approximately six steps away from any other person on Earth. That is, any two people on the planet can be connected on average in six steps/links or fewer.

You might think it's strange and profoundly impossible, given the Earth's population of nearly 7 billion people spread across all 7 continents. But in an increasingly interconnected and globalised world fuelled by technological leaps and bounds in communications, where artificial barriers are lowered or abolished, allowing information, capital, goods, services and people to be universally mobile, that notion is becoming more of a stark reality than anything.

Especially when it hits you close to home, on a personal level.

8 Simple Rules...Revised

2011-05-05T22:52:00.005+10:00

The previous 8 simple rules that I live by have been revised to include 8 more. :)

1. Nobody's perfect.
2. Everybody's different.
3. Never be emotionally swayed; always be stoic.
4. Nothing lasts forever.
5. Nothing ever happens for a reason; life is random.
6. No matter how hard you try, there are some things in life you just can't control.
7. Don't change for anyone or anything; be yourself.
8. Never give up.
9. Everybody has a past; secrets, regrets and skeletons in the closet.
10. Sometimes, your past doesn't define your present.
11. Everybody has a dark side; they're just good at hiding it. Too good, sometimes.
12. Never judge; each to their own.
13. Sometimes, there's no such thing as a second chance.
14. Sometimes, we have people in our lives, just so we can learn to live without them once they're gone.
15. The only people you need in your life, are the ones who prove that they need you in theirs.
16. Passion fuels the fire that burns in your heart. If you absolutely love something, go for it and don't look back.

To do or not to do...

2011-04-24T02:07:00.000+10:00

Which are we more likely to regret: something we did do or something we didn't do?

Are we more likely to regret that drunken late night phone call, or not telling a certain someone how we really felt about them before they left?

Working at a job that we don't enjoy, even though it pays well, or not following our dreams and passions, even if it's hard to etch out a decent living from them?

Choosing to leave in order to chase our dreams, or choosing to stay for the sake of loved ones?

We all do things that we regret, and we all regret not doing things as well. But which of the two are we going to wish we had a second chance at: of righting wrongs and undoing past mistakes, or seizing opportunities that are probably never going to reappear in our lifetime ever again?

I'd say, if it makes you happy, go for it and don't look back. :)

The Pursuit of Happiness

2011-04-15T15:07:00.000+10:00

I know what you're thinking: it's missing Life and Liberty, as the phrase goes in the US Declaration of Independence.

But...happiness. What is it, really?

Is it having everything we need and want in life? Be that fame, fortune and/or maybe even someone else by our side?

Is it being able to wake up every morning with a smile on your face, without a worry in the world? Or maybe even waking up next to a special someone?

But why do we strive to be happy?

Why do we do anything and everything in our power to be happy?

I guess, happiness comes from having meaning in our lives. Something to live and breathe for. Something to fight for and protect. Something that makes us want to get out of bed each morning, and that puts a smile on our faces as we fall asleep each night.

Happiness comes from knowing we're not simply on this Earth just because we happened to be born into it. That we're contributing and making a difference, no matter how small, and no matter to whom or what. That we mean at least something to someone and cannot leave the world without significantly impacting on their lives, be they friends, family or lovers.

But could we still be happy, without all of those things?

Loneliness

2011-03-12T00:09:00.003+11:00

Sometimes, the loneliest of people are the ones who are surrounded by the most people.

You'd think otherwise, but no. The more people there are, be they family, friends, acquiantances or strangers, the more distant and lonely one can feel.

In a fast-paced world where everything seems to zoom past in a flash, it's easy to get left behind all on your own; when you want to slow down, but the rest of the world demands that you catch up.

That's when loneliness kicks in.

You'd rather stop and stare, while the rest of the world flashes a quick glance before moving on. You're standing still, while the world's a blur of people moving all around, not taking notice of you or knowing you even exist. You'd rather take things slowly, while everyone else urges you to move quickly, in a world consumed by instant self-gratification and narcissism. You're the only sane person in a world gone mad, the voice of reason amongst a collective chaos of noise, lies and foolish decisions.

More often than not, however, the best company one can have is simply oneself. Just you and you alone, whether it be lying on the bed staring up at the ceiling, or sitting at the beach watching the waves and the gazing at the infinite horizon.

But then again, two's company and three's a crowd.

Maybe with a close friend by your side, perhaps enjoying a deep conversation or staring in companionable silence at the empty space in front of you. After all, silence is golden; sometimes the best things are said when words aren't spoken at all.

Loneliness isn't when you're all alone by yourself. It's when you're all alone while being surrounded.

A little something...

2011-03-10T01:31:00.002+11:00

It's not about the breaths you take or the breaths you take away.

It's how you breathe.

What you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be

2011-02-04T01:59:00.006+11:00

Be strong enough to know when you are weak, and brave enough to face yourself when you are afraid.

Be proud and unbending in honest failure, but humble and gentle in success.

Never substitute words for actions.

Don't seek the path of comfort, but face the stress and spur of difficulty and challenge.

Learn to stand up in the storm, but have compassion for those who fall.

Master yourself before you seek to master others.

Have a heart that is clean, and a goal that is high.

Learn to laugh, but never forget how to weep.

Reach into the future, but never neglect the past.

Be serious, but never take yourself too seriously.

Be modest, so that you will remember the simplicity of true greatness, the open mind of true wisdom, and the meekness of true strength.

From General Douglas MacArthur's Sylvanus Thayer Award acceptance address. Credit goes to American Rhetoric for the speech. The full text of the speech is here:

http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurthayeraward.html

Fate vs. Free Will

2011-02-02T03:56:00.004+11:00

The eternal question. Are we in control of our own destinies and futures, or are there deterministic forces that are out of our control and render free will an illusion?

You could argue that we're in control of our lives and thus our destinies. If anything, we make our own Fate. Everything that we do and all the conscious decisions we make directly affect us, with consequences that sometimes cannot be foreseen. You could take the view that nothing in life happens for a reason. That whatever happens, happens. More often than we'd like, things happen to us that simply have no shred of meaning, no matter how much we search. Such random things puzzle us and make us question the existence of Fate. Would Fate will such things upon us? I think not.

It would be naive, however, to think that we are in control of absolutely everything. Of course, there are some things in life that we just cannot control, no matter how much we wish we could. Like whether you'll do well on an exam or test even though you've studied your arse off and did the best you could. Or whether the object of your affections feels the same way about you. Or whether you'll win a scholarship or competition you've spent months preparing for. Those things are out of your hands. Not in Fate's hands, but in the hands of the other party/parties: the examiner; or the one you admire; or the judging panel. The voice of Fate isn't nagging at their minds, telling them what to do, feel or decide. It's all up to them, and nobody else. And if things don't turn out the way you hope they do, well then what can you do? That's that. No use thinking it's Fate, because there were two parties involved; and Fate was not one of them.

But at the same time, it would be much easier to base everything that we do or that happens to us, good or bad, as the will of Fate. It's like making an excuse for things; just because Fate willed them, we push the blame onto Fate and refuse to take responsibility for them. It serves as a strange sort of refuge from the harsh realities of the world; like "I'll leave it up to Fate" or "Fate had it that I did this/that this happened to me and I'll have to accept it."

Imagine a guy's about to suicide. He jumps off a building, but miraculously survives the fall, albeit with serious injuries. It's not unreasonable for him to think that perhaps Fate willed for him to live, not for him to end his life so abruptly. He then concludes that he's been given a second chance at life, and proceeds to then make the most of it while he still can.

Of course, it would be easy in that case to believe that Fate really does exist. But then again, what if, just by chance, he happened to not fatally injure any vital organs as he landed, thus ensuring his survival?

We can choose to believe either one of those theories; that Fate really did give him a second chance, or he just so happened to not sustain fatal injuries. But will we ever really know? I don't think so.

I guess all we can do is stick to whatever comforts us in the relevant situation. Whether it is accepting the will of Fate or acknowledging other real-world factors that are beyond our control, we seek refuge in trying to find a reason for what happens in our lives. Depending on different circumstances, we tend to believe in either one, but sooner or later, we realise that we can never really be sure of which one exists and which doesn't.

Shall we leave it up to Fate or Free Will to decide that?

The Riddle of It

2010-11-23T04:19:00.026+11:00

It can make you whole, or tear you apart.
It can raise you up, or bring you to your knees.
It can make a hero of the meek, or a fool of the arrogant.
It can put you on top of the world, or bring you down into crushing depths of despair.

They say that if we are raised devoid of it, we will never know it.
With it your days are brighter, but also clouded in grey.
It transcends all sense of logic, and casts aside rationality.
In its presence, everything else seems to disappear.

It has the power to heal, but also the power to hurt.
It has the power to redeem, but also the power to corrupt.
It has the power to ignite wars, but also the power to cease them.
It has the power to forgive, but also the power to avenge.

Even if we had a million reasons to leave it, we would still find one to stay.
Even though it may be small, it can still fill gaping holes in our soul.
Even when breaks us, we end up being stronger than ever.
Even though we may give up on it, it never leaves us, or forsakes us.

We all seek it, but become powerless and vulnerable in the face of it.
It is our greatest strength, but also our greatest weakness.
We would give up anything and everything for it, and it for us.
And sometimes, in order to find it, you have to stop looking for it.
What is it?

Imagination

2010-09-06T00:19:00.003+10:00

It's everything not related to the real world or your waking moments.

It's quite simple, really. Just picture yourself living in a place and time that doesn't exist yet, or perhaps once existed. Picture the people, the surroundings, the vibe of the place. Then, thrust yourself into an adventure of your own, be it escaping from some thugs out to get you, to finding out that you're the lost heir to a long-forgotten throne, or to battling a villain who slaughtered your entire family. Simply put, let your imagination run free and flow in an endless stream.

The list could go on forever. But that's the beauty of imagination: anything is possible.

It's the best escapism one can ever find. It's all the fantasies we could never live out in real life, all our dreams come true and all our wishes granted, even if it's only from that small corner of our mind that plays them out right before our mind's eyes.

Basically, it's everything that life isn't.

It's our shelter from the real world when we find that we cannot face it. It takes us to a safe place, where we control everything and nothing can ever go wrong. It's consolation, comfort and support, not provided by someone else, but by the workings of our mind. It may be just a trick of the mind, but oh what a trick it is.

It's our sword and shield. Our army and fortress. Our aggressor and pacifier. Our battleground and safe haven. But moreover, our will, strength and support, to keep us going no matter what.

It's perhaps the best gift that we as humans have.

We cannot escape the realities of life. But we can seek sanctuary in our imagination.

Young Love: A Poem

2010-08-16T00:42:00.011+10:00

I remember writing this for two friends when they first started going out (in fact, they still are). So here's to them. :)

*Update: as of 22 February 2011, they are unfortunately no longer together.*

Young Love (Dedicated to Alex and Annie)

It's a dizzy feeling
To stand on your tiptoes, thinking
This is it, all or nothing
You're on the edge of a knife
It's the happiest moment of your life
It's Young Love

As you walk towards each other
Hearts held tight like a four-leaf clover
You smile and wear a grin
Like you both were once kin
Nothing seems to matter as you embrace
Everything vanishes without a trace
It's Young Love

Silently you sit together
For words don't mean a thing; you could be here forever
Lookin' out towards the ocean, the sun sets on your love
It's like magic; it takes your breath away
And leads your heart astray
It's Young Love

You turn your backs to the world
And head into the unknown
Eager, brave, daring, fearless
To the two of you, it's flawless
Nothing is ever like the thrill of it all
First Love, Young Love.

I know, it's odd that something like that's coming from me, but hey, like I said, it's for two friends, not for me. :)

Fighter: A Poem

2010-07-24T16:19:00.001+10:00

Another one I wrote, at home this time. :)

Fighter

Beaten down and broken
About to come undone
Abandoned by my brethren
I lie among the fallen
And see the lights of heaven.

My strength will never falter
My resolve will never waver
My will shall be my armour
For I am a fighter, ready as ever
In the face of the enemy, never will I quiver.

As I begin to fade
I am not afraid
Then I ask myself
What do I have to live for?
So much, I cannot ignore.

Hope and faith
They live in me like wraiths
They keep me going when all is lost
Yet never let go when I know I should
They are my greatest allies in whatever I do
But at the same time, my greatest enemies, too.

"Let go, surrender," says one
"Keep holding on," the other whispers
"You are spent, gone and done
Death, you cannot outrun,"
Hisses one.

"But," says the other
"You are a fighter
You cannot give up
Finish this fight
It is your birthright
Rise, unflinching warrior
The battle lies yonder."

I turn away, and run from the lights
To burning cities, unfinished fights
The bitter foe, a blight I must smite
For I am a fighter, fearless as a knight
A battle ignites, with the enemy in my sights.

This one perhaps best exemplifies what I strive to be: a fighter in everything I do. Indeed, hope and faith are my greatest allies, but also my greatest enemies at the same time, too. A blessing and a curse, but one that is imperative for survival in this harsh world.

Why "The Notebook" sucks

2010-07-12T22:59:00.002+10:00

Just watched The Notebook last Saturday. I'd heard a lot from people that it's really good, they all cried watching it and whatnot, so since it was on TV I decided to watch it and see what the fuss was all about.

Guess what.

It sucks. Balls.

It was ridiculously unrealistic; honestly, who in their right mind waits 7 freaking years for someone? And when you're young and stupid, you don't know what that silly thing called love is; relationships don't last very long and moreover, aren't deep at that age, even more so when there's a huge distance between the two.

In reality, if two people were to have a summer romance, then part ways after that, and not have any contact whatsoever with each other over 7 years, surely they would have moved on, if not forgotten about them?

The two lovebirds claimed that "what [we] had was real."

Yeah, real my ass. Like the two of them, at that age, would know what real love is. Like love at first sight even exists in the first place. Consumed by passion and nothing more, that was really all they had.

If the movie was being realistic, then when Allie went back to Seabrook to visit Noah, she would've just found out that even though it really wasn't over at that time, and he really did write to her, except her mother kept the letters from her, she's moved on and is about to get married to someone else. At the most, they would've remained good friends, knowing that they once shared something.

But that wouldn't make for the soppy, formulaic, romantic movie that's bound to rake in millions and bring girls to the cinema in droves and have them leave in tears, now would it?

Hollywood blatantly exploits the emotional powerhouses of the female demographic, sacrificing quality for monetary gain. And that's why I like indie/arthouse movies better than a lot of mainstream commercial movies. Sure, I don't mind the occasional mindless shoot-'em-up action movie (as long as there's a comprehensible plot and awesome effects :P), I enjoy some thrillers, sci-fi, fantasy, even the occasional drama, and I adore the 'not-exactly-old' classics that I grew up with watching over and over again countless times...........but romance? I reckon that's the one genre Hollywood does badly. There are of course, a few exceptions, such as Casablanca, but really, Hollywood still has a long way to go in perfecting the art of the genre.

Hey, let's not forget that The Notebook was based on a novel, by that ever-popular romance writer Nicholas Sparks, author of fellow weepies Dear John, A Walk to Remember, Nights in Rodanthe, etc, etc. But check this out (click on it for a larger view):

Seems the writing world has a long way to go too. Don't say I didn't tell you so. :)

Credit for the picture goes to Cracked.com. :)

Fame

2010-07-07T23:23:00.002+10:00

Fame. Is it a blessing, or a curse?

When the word 'fame' comes to mind, so do images of cameras flashing and almost blinding you, fans screaming, journalists clamouring for a word or two, paparazzi stalking you, walking down red carpets, talk show interviews on TV, your face on the cover of magazines, and so much more. You can't ask for more than that, can you?

But with every bright side, comes the dark side.

The dark side of fame is a trap that far too many famous people fall into. From descents into drugs, alcoholism and attempted suicides, they're all to try and grab the attention of a media that is no longer interested in them. But why?

Once you have fame, you can never get enough of it.

In other words, fame is a like a lethal drug. It can bring some high moments, but it can also drag you down into crushing depths of despair. Famous people who've managed to avoid controversy that could bring them into the limelight have so far avoided the dark side of fame and have managed to be famous only for the right reasons. But those who are nearing the end of their fame desperately cling on to it, and turn to its dark side in the hope that it can bring them back into the limelight once more, only to fail most of the time. Clearly, fame's an addictive drug. But sadly, there's no cure for it.

Insanity

2010-06-30T01:18:00.000+10:00

It's official. I'm insane.

Really, I am. Or at least I think I am.

I wish I could just go someplace else, somewhere far away from here, and leave everything behind and forget all about it. Friends, family, life, everything. Destroy all connections to my previous life. That life is dead and gone.

Start afresh, in a place where nobody knows me or where I come from. Where I can finally start life anew and forget the past like it never happened in the first place. Where I can probably live in relative solitude and peace for the rest of my life. Bliss.

Tuscany, anyone? :)

Here today, gone tomorrow

2010-06-29T00:05:00.001+10:00

Without evil, we wouldn't know good.

Without hate, we wouldn't know love.

What if, we had people in our lives, just so one day, we could learn to live without them?

People walk in and out of our lives. They gain importance in our lives, or lose it gradually or even suddenly, as time goes by and things change.

Perhaps, people walk into our lives, so that one day, we may learn to live without them when they walk out of our lives. I mean, they're all gonna leave us someday, aren't they?

Believe me, that time will come. Regardless of promises made or steadfast loyalty displayed, it will come.

Maybe the saying's true: don't worry about the people in your past, there's a reason they didn't make it into your future.

Then again, I don't believe anything in life happens for a reason.

People come, people go. There isn't really a reason why, is there?

C'est la vie.

And there ain't nothing we can do about it.

Forever

2010-06-26T00:10:00.000+10:00

Forever is a lie. Since we don't live forever, we can't expect to say that something lasts/will last forever. For example, that tired old cliché of "I'll love you forever" or "True love lasts forever".

Utter bullshit, if you ask me.

We're all hardwired to have some wanderlust in us. That's the difficulty of remaining in a monogamous relationship; humans, like most animals, aren't born to find and stay with a partner for the rest of their lives. Everybody will wander, or at least think about wandering, at some point in a relationship, because we were born with that instinct. It's the hard, but inevitable truth, and one that's not easy to swallow. It's hard to honour a monogamous relationship without straying. Feelings fade over time and that's why relationships end and the two parties go their own separate ways. Even if the feelings don't fade, the spark that was initially there will eventually die out, and things will never be the same.

"I'll love you forever."
"No you won't."
"Really, I will."
"Bullshit. Nothing lasts forever."
"How do you know?"
"We don't live forever, and well, things change. You never know."
"..."

"Promise me you'll love me forever."
"I can't promise you that."
"Why not?"
"Because nothing lasts forever. Not even love."
"..."

Sorry to rain on your parade, all you lovebirds and hopeless romantics. But that's the sad reality of the world and one we all have to face.

Morale Lost: A Poem

2010-06-24T00:16:00.001+10:00

Morale Lost

Neither a patriot, nor a traitor
In no man's land, alone I will stand.
For with no-one to trust, I have nothing to fear
In the silence and emptiness, no cries I shall hear.
As the cold wind howls, the quiet becomes no longer
The eagle's eyes, like that of a wanderer.
Against the grey skies, I tread this blood-sodden ground
But I feel no pity, for no peace I have found.

I am broken, but I am not shattered
I am bruised, but I am not beaten
I am lost, but I will find my way
This land is in despair, but I am not without hope
But my back is turned, for I believe no more
That this battle has a cause, worth fighting for.

Just something I wrote when I was bored in class one day. :P This is probably my favourite poem out of the many I've written. :)

From the outside looking in

2010-06-23T00:30:00.004+10:00

They say, no-one knows you better than you yourself. But sometimes, I think other people know me better than I know myself. Strange, isn't it? It hardly seems right that someone else knows things about you that you don't even realise about yourself. People tell me things about myself I don't even realise until then. They analyse my opinions and actions and point out flaws which I never would have seen.

Perhaps it's the same for all of us. We need other people to judge, critique and analyse us, like a scientist keenly examining a specimen under a microscope. There is no more impartial opinion than that of another. Sure, we may know ourselves and how we think, but it is those from the outside looking in that know everything; the good, the bad and the ugly. Everything we would never see in ourselves, as much as we search and analyse. In our minds, there's always that other viewpoint that counteracts whatever we may find negative about ourselves, turning it into something positive, when in the eyes of another, it isn't so. Like the angel and the devil playing with our conscience, duelling in a psychological battle that's bound to end badly. The mind plays tricks on us to think that we are right, perfect and justified in everything we think and do, when really, we aren't.

Perhaps the true selves of each and every one of us remains a perpetual enigma to our own selves. We can never judge ourselves, for we are always biased, no matter how impartial we may try to be. We are either too lenient, or too harsh on ourselves. I guess the best way would be to have an outsider look in, and tell us everything they see: the good, the bad and the ugly.

What defines us

2010-06-14T02:39:00.001+10:00

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
- Confucius

We don't accept challenges for no reason at all. We accept them knowing that we might fall; and when we do, it is how we deal with it that defines our character; whether we sit there and wallow in self-pity, or pick ourselves up and rise to the challenge once more.

Rising again after we've fallen is harder than rising to the challenge for the first time. Often, when we fall, we fall hard. Hard enough to crush all our hopes and dreams, and instill in us distrust, fear and hatred. Picking ourselves up after such setbacks defines our character more than the setback itself. In comparison, the setback would seem insignificant, like a fly on the wall, a little nuisance in the way, once we rise up again and eventually succeed in our endeavours. Of course, we may not succeed the second, third or even the fourth time we try again; but it's how we never give up each and every time we fail that matters more than the failures themselves.

Nobody's perfect. Everybody falls, some harder than others. But it's how we pick ourselves up that matters.

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me."
- Batman

Who would've ever though Batman could come up with a good quote like that? :P

Sure, we may say all sorts of things about who we are underneath to others, but when it comes to actually proving those, it is, indeed, what we do that defines us. We might say that we are brave and loyal and would do anything for our friends, even take a bullet for them; but if a gun was really pointed at them one day, would you actually step in front of them and take the hit? Would you risk losing your life and everything you've ever known and hold dear, just to ensure they live one more day, or, in the pressure of the situation, completely forget your promise and simply watch on as the gun fires and they fall slowly to the ground, bleeding?

Indeed, the important decisions and choices we make in our lives define our character and who we are. We are judged not by what we say, but by what we do. In other words, our character may be who we are underneath, but it is our actions that show and prove it to the world.

Memory

2010-06-04T01:38:00.000+10:00

Memory. Without it, we probably wouldn't exist. It is because of memory that we know who we are and our place in this world. We are shaped not just by our genes, but also by our surrounding environment, and the way it shapes us, is because of our memory. We remember all that goes on around us and are profoundly affected by it, whether we realise it at the time or not.

But sometimes, memory is a curse. There are of course, many things that happen in our lives that we just wish we could forget about completely and banish from our memory forever, but that cannot be. It is these memories that scar us for life, and permanently imprint themselves into our cerebral cortex. We cannot voluntarily forget about those memories, no matter how much we try. Our memory stores those moments and events, but no matter how much of a conscious effort we may make to ignore them and not recall them, sometimes they inevitably spring into our mind's eye, and along with it, all the anguish, torment, pain and fear that we experienced at that time. It's like reliving that very moment we wished we had never gone through. Like going to hell and back again.

But then again, memories shape us, and who we are. No matter what may go on in our lives, if we didn't have a memory, we wouldn't be who we are; we wouldn't grow as people and change; we wouldn't feel pain, love, hate, loss, grief and all the other emotions that every human being experiences. In other words, without memory, we can't call ourselves human.

As the old saying goes, time heals all wounds. Is it true? Perhaps. But the scars left behind remain with us forever.

Facebook and Justin Bieber: shoot me already

2010-06-02T00:58:00.002+10:00

Right now, there are two things in the world that I could not hate more: Facebook and Justin Bieber.

Yep, got that right. That giant of a social networking site and that giant of a gay baby.

Why oh why is everyone obsessed with social networking? I don't see the appeal in:

1. Adding people whom you aren't even friends with, or don't even know in real life, as virtual friends.
2. "Connecting" with people
3. Finding out what other people are up to
4. Talking to people via their profiles for everyone else to see, when you could do it so much easier, and in private, over an instant messaging client like MSN.

Besides, with the recent privacy issues and that idiot billionaire Mark Zuckerberg's comments that "people don't want privacy" anymore, well I say, he and Facebook can go and die in a hole.

And Justin Bieber. Oh my, where do I start on this one?

Seriously, who names their baby girl Justin?

The day Justin Bieber was born, was the day good music died.

Listening to Justin Bieber's trash makes anybody's IQ drop by 10 points.

Honestly, it's nothing personal against that dude. I just happen to hate his music and his rather stupid grabs for media attention, as though his overwhelming popularity with other teenage girls isn't enough for him.

God, the world's gone mad. Really, it has. Or maybe it's just me who's stayed sane all this while.

Right here, right now

2010-05-16T01:25:00.001+10:00

What am I doing right here, right now?

It's 1.25am on a Sunday morning.

And I'm listening to It Is What It Is by Lifehouse.

Blue song, that one.

The song just changed to From Where You Are, again by Lifehouse.

Once again, it's a blue one.

This ain't doin' me any good. I'd better get to bed and calm my thoughts. I swear I'm going crazy. Or maybe it's just.....periodic.

The ideal of perfection

2010-04-29T22:13:00.001+10:00

Perfect. It's the only thing that, to most people, should ideally describe everything. Except it doesn't.

"Nobody's perfect. I am nobody."

Ever heard someone say that? Yeah, lame ain't it? No further comment. :P

"Practice makes perfect."

True that, but everybody has different ideas of perfect. From a perfect music performance to a perfect score in a test.

We all strive for perfection, and in the eyes of others, few people achieve it. But to the most competitive athletes or musicians, there is no such thing as perfection. If they had achieved perfection, they would stop learning. Their constant mental reminders of "that's not good enough" pushes them to set the bar higher, not in order to achieve perfection, but to improve themselves. To them, perfection is the very limit. Take it away, and you could be so much more. More than perfect. More than what they thought they could do. But most of all, more than what others thought they could achieve.

That oughta shut 'em up. Don't you just love it when you prove people wrong? :P

8 Simple Rules

2010-04-22T23:02:00.004+10:00

Those rules have been running through my head ever since God knows when. So I thought about it for a while, and now I've decided to write them out to make them clearer.

So, these are the 8 simple rules, in no particular order, that I live by:

1. Nobody's perfect.
2. Everybody's different.
3. Never be emotionally swayed; always be stoic.
4. Nothing lasts forever.
5. Nothing ever happens for a reason; life is random.
6. No matter how hard you try, there are some things in life you just can't control.
7. Don't change for anyone or anything; be yourself.
8. Never give up.

Sticking with those rules have helped me through pretty much everything life's thrown at me so far. And I'm ready for the many more that will come. :)

Go on, lie to me

2010-04-20T21:25:00.001+10:00

Lie to Me - 12 Stones

Our candle burns away
The ashes full of lies
I gave my soul to you
You cut me from behind

Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
You're scared of the truth, I'm tired of the lies
'Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're falling again
You're no superhero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

You said you were there for me
You wouldn't let me fall
All the times I shared with you
Were you even there at all?

Nowhere to run and nowhere to hide
You're scared of the truth
I'm tired of the lies
'Cause who I am
Is where you wanna be

Don't act like an angel
You're falling again
You're no superhero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Why'd you have to up and run away
A million miles away
I wanna close my eyes and make believe
That I never found you

Just when I put my guard away
It's the same old story
You left me broken and betrayed
It's the same old story

Don't act like an angel
You're falling again
You're no superhero
I found in the end

So lie to me once again
And tell me everything will be alright
Lie to me once again
And ask yourself before we say goodbye
Well goodbye
Was it worth it in the end?

Lie to me once again
It's the same old story
Lie to me once again
It's the same old story

Was it worth it in the end?

Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qQQyv8Ix5Qk

Lies. Betrayal. Unreliable relationships. Letdowns.

Everything that makes you question why you even bother making friends in the first place. Sooner or later, they're just gonna turn their back on you. Then you go and make other friends, and it happens all over again. It goes in a cycle. Makes you wonder if you're better off just staying out of it in the first place.

So is it worth it in the end? I don't know.

Lone warriors

2010-04-19T22:52:00.000+10:00

I reckon everyone's a lone warrior at some stage in their life. Y'know, when you're all alone, yet you rough it out and make it on your own, without anyone else's help. And when friends say they'll always be there for you? Well, truth is, sometimes they just aren't, and that's when you have to go it alone. More often than not, you end up motivating yourself to keep your head up and get through it. But in the end, you emerge stronger, and with a different perspective on life; you become more independent and stoic, but at the same time, more wary and less trustworthy of those around you. You're gonna need it to survive in this cold, harsh, dog-eat-dog world. You're being naïve if you think anything less, or otherwise. And that's a fact.

Lone warriors. From the missing soldier finding his way home, to the one, insignificant human being trying to rebuild their life from scratch all by themselves because everyone's abandoned/given up on them. Don't tell me they had people by their side helping and supporting them, chances are there weren't; I may not know people who've got through similar situations, but I'm willing to bet that it's happened before.

To all the lone warriors out there, I salute you all. You are the true meaning of independence and survival-of-the-fittest, in this world where few can be friends, and fewer can be trusted. Cheers. :)

First week back

2010-04-17T16:20:00.001+10:00

First week back at school wasn't too bad. Waking up on Monday was the hard part though; the alarm blared and my mood sank immediately. These holidays didn't feel long enough. Maybe it was 'cos I was busy doing quite a bit; from driving lessons to movies to Easter camp. Plus, there was a crapload of homework as well, which as usual, the teachers didn't bother checking once we got back. >< So much for putting in effort in year 11, when you're expected to be serious and the teachers are just slack. -.-""" Geez and I thought it was the other way around.......not that I'm slack but you get the point. :P

Well I guess what really made me reluctant about returning to school was the monotony of it all, and the environment as well. Somehow I hate the atmosphere of school. In my year level there's way too much drama going on (see previous post), it's awful. Honestly, if there were another school as good as Glenny in terms of education and with nicer/less bitchy people, hell I'd move there right now. Like I said, I don't need all the crap that goes on at school 'cos it's just distracting and plain stupid.

Wow, that last paragraph made me realise, school's actually REALLY boring. From year 11 onwards, you aren't in a fixed class anymore and you're with different people every single period. It's good for making friends (something I don't do often and I'd really rather not), not so good for maintaining friendships with those who don't share any classes with you anymore. Well I'm the kinda person who prefers a few close friends to many acquaintances, so there. The structure of classes in year 11 really isn't for someone like me. To be honest, it's pretty horrible.

Anyway, enough of rambling. As I'm typing this, my bro and a family friend are playing CS and blowing the heads off bots. Oh well. I'm probably gonna go and take a nap now since there isn't much to do. See y'all later.

Drama

2010-04-09T23:32:00.003+10:00

I hate drama. Real-life drama, that is. Really, I do. The only thing it's good for it's gossip, and even then gossip is petty, time-wasting talk. But somehow everyone does it for conversation's sake; it's unavoidable.

Drama is something we can all do without in our lives. Yet it comes about from misunderstandings and fights, and the end results are usually crying, screaming, backstabbing, bitching, and more often than not, fistfights. It could all very well be a script for a television soap opera. Except it all happens in real-life, so it's much worse.

Most of all, we don't need all that bullshit. If only human beings could all get along, life would be so much easier and drama-free.

But who am I kidding? Not myself, that's for sure. That was just idealistic thinking, and as everyone knows, being idealistic almost never helps; being realistic does, and a whole heap, too. Let's face it, human beings are flawed creatures that have not, cannot and never will get along and find peace throughout their entire era of existence. We have conflicts, squabbles, disputes, wars and whatnot.........and yes, you guessed it, it's all real-life drama.

Call me cold and possibly nihilistic, but humans are gonna die out one day not because of some large meteorite striking the Earth and blocking out the Sun, but because one day, all our various dramas, from our disagreements to wars to global warming (which we brought about because nobody's doing anything about it) are gonna add up and ultimately become our undoing; in other words, we end up killing ourselves. Sad, ain't it? Then again, it's probably humanity's real fate.

Is there anything we can really do about it? I don't think so. As I mentioned earlier, we're seriously flawed creatures.

And we can't save ourselves.

The real reasons behind heartbreak songs

2010-03-15T23:01:00.001+11:00

Ever wondered what the real reason was behind a heartbreak song?

I mean, think about the song Breakeven by The Script. It's sad enough to melt any girl's heart, yet surely, there had to be a reason behind the breakup.

Maybe it was something he said or did. Or didn't say or do. Maybe he changed. Perhaps that was why she left him.

Or was it all her fault? Perhaps the feelings just faded away, and she fell for someone else and left him standing there?

Sometimes it amazes me why people sing about heartbreak when they don't address the real fault behind it; I mean, shouldn't it be about trying to get some closure and moving on, instead of being perpetually sad (most songs put it that way) and just holding on to any last shred of hope, begging and pleading for them to come back?

Maybe we should start replacing heartbreak songs with apology songs; the ones that actually say sorry and try to move on, instead of pining for a lost love that will never come back.

Anyway, here are the lyrics for Breakeven, by The Script: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/script/breakeven.html

Ideas, ideas, ideas

2010-03-14T15:12:00.010+11:00

You know the saying, great things come to great minds. :D Except my mind isn't particularly great in any way, but well, you get what I'm talking about here, don't you? ;)

I opened the large, ornately decorated double doors, and almost immediately as I stepped into the blackness of the hall, spotlights - hanging from a ceiling much higher than I imagined - flooded the middle of the hall, revealing a small band of musicians on a small, low circular stage, and in standing in front at the bottom of the stage, was Tyler.

"Ty...what are you doing here, what's going on?" I hurried up to him and embraced him.

"Well, it's just a special something for us...though it's more for you."

Without another word, he took my hand and held my waist, and the band was off.

I instantly recognised the music; it was Love of My Life, by Santana and Dave Matthews. I couldn't help but smile; it was one of my favourite songs.

"I knew you'd always wanted to dance to this." He twirled me around.

I chuckled, "Either you're a mind reader, or I must've told you in a daze."

I stared hard into his deep brown eyes. With every passing second we were dancing and the music was playing, I found myself getting even more lost in him; and I wasn't looking for a way out anytime soon.

As expected, the tempo of the music changed, and before we knew it, we were dancing to the rapid pace of the music, as the mood changed from slow and romantic to fast-paced and frenzied. It was almost as fast as a salsa, except it was a waltz. I'd never felt a bigger rush in such a lone environment, it was almost surreal. Countless spins, twirls, and lifts followed, and as the song reached it's climax at the end, Tyler suddenly pulled me close, and our faces were mere inches apart. Breathing heavily, I grinned. He gave me a piercing, yet gentle look. This wasn't over yet.

This time, the only music came from the piano. Once again, I recognised the song; The Scientist by Coldplay, with its unmistakable riff and haunting melody.

Once again, we did a slow waltz.

"You know, this song gets me every time I listen to it," Tyler confessed.

"Really?" I chuckled as we slowly glided from one part of the room to the other, all the while remaining under the glow of the spotlights in the middle.

"Yeah, really," He smiled slightly, almost a half-smile, and I was only close enough to spot it. "It's weird, every time I hear it I get this sorta cold and warm feeling, I dunno, it's hard to explain."

"Why, though?" I was curious now; Tyler was seldom one to be moved by a song, let alone this one.

"Well, it makes me think that I'm never good enough for you, but somehow, you still stick with me."

"Oh please, why would you think that?" I was genuinely surprised, almost to the point of scorn.

"Well, it was hard on you, when I moved away. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder.....and it really did. I just felt...helpless, I guess, when I realised that...you...you'd stripped me down to my core, and with-without you, I was...nothing," He was rushing his words now, speaking so frantically that I struggled to keep up. "I was just powerless, vulnerable, and...I felt really bad for leaving you behind, even though you were always there for me. But I can't say the same for myself...I just had this horrible feeling of guilt, and I really wanted to just say I'm sorry a million times over, a-and just go back to when we-"

"Hey, hey, Ty, shush now," I held my finger up to his lips. "There's nothing to be sorry about, honestly." I cradled his cheek in my hand and stared directly into his eyes, firmly yet tenderly. "It's okay, I'm here with you now, none of that matters now. It wasn't your fault and never will be, yeah? It's perfectly fine. I know, as much as you try to be there for me, you can't always be. I mean, that's when we've both gotta be strong and pull through, without each other. But of course, I knew I was always on your mind, and you were on mine too. We may not have been there in presence, but always in spirit, if you'd like to put it that way."

"Yeah." Tyler whispered genially.

I smiled, and looked away, reflecting on the ironies of life and our situation. "You know, it's pretty strange that whatever's on your mind, whether it's some economical, environmental or political crisis that's happening around the world, the one thing that really gets to you is that someone you fancy. Don't you reckon so?"

He stared hard at me for a moment, and swallowed. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

I guess that was all he could really say at this point. But I knew his answer to my question was a definite "Yes"; either that or it was simply rhetorical. I hated to say it, clichéd as it was, but my heart melted right then and there.

"So are you," I replied, smiling gently.

We leaned our foreheads against each others', and laughed, as the song continued to play and we danced. I was never one to be swayed by surprising romantic gestures like these, but like Tyler, this one had gotten to me. Now, I was the one who was powerless in the face of love.

Ideas, ideas, ideas

2009-12-09T02:25:00.002+11:00

Listen to Here Without You by 3 Doors Down while reading this.

I got up to the mike, stealing one last glance at him before we started the song. I signalled the band. Josh began picking the melancholy opening melody. Then I came in; I started to feel the song, and began to let it get to me, the true meaning behind it; the heartache, the pain, the undying love; I began to feel everything Brad must've felt while writing it.

"A hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lies have made me colder,
And I don't think I can look at this the same.
But all the miles that separate,
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face."

I looked at the crowd gathered at the amphitheatre, their once rowdy and wild mood now transcended into one of respectful silence and solemnity. I turned my gaze to him; he was looking at me blankly, as though the words I was singing and my evocative expression didn't mean a thing to him and didn't have any sort of impact on him. But I knew full well what was on his mind; at that moment he was just trying not to show it.

Dave and Aaron soon came in on drums and bass, respectively. As I continued to sing, I felt the song's power and hold on me grow ever stronger, to the point where it was almost overwhelming. But I gave in, and let it consume me as we moved into the chorus.

"I'm here without you baby,
But you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I'm here without you baby,
But you're still with me in my dreams.
And tonight, it's only you and me."

Then we reached the bridge, and now, there was no holding back.

"Everything I know, and anywhere I go,
It gets hard but it wont take away my love.
And when the last one falls,
When it's all said and done,
It gets hard but it won't take away my love."

Josh's soaring voice came in and belted out the bridge, as I provided the harmonising vocals. It had all been leading up to this moment; I closed my eyes and imagined in my mind's eye, everything that had happened between us; the quiet moments and one-on-one conversations, the jokes we shared, the music we both loved, the way one cheered the other up when they were feeling down.

All that came down to the one thing, that revelation - and the following argument - that nearly destroyed all of that. I would've loved to say that nothing had changed between us, but the truth was, we were no longer the same to each other. We both saw sides of each other we had never previously known existed and said things we never would've said, with one of us going to bed nearly broken and unimaginably angry, hanging by a thin thread that would snap even if a feather of another blow landed on it; that one, was me.

With all that in mind, I took a deep breath as I joined Josh, and soared above him, my eyes still shut so I wouldn't see the reactions of the audience, and most of all, him. It was almost cathartic, just singing the harmonising vocals. It was like letting everything out; all the heartache, the pain, and the undying love; what the whole song was about. About me. I was taking that huge burden off my chest and laying it out for everyone before me to see and understand. Now that I wasn't keeping it in anymore, I felt light and unencumbered; it was the feeling of freedom.

I held my last lyric of the bridge long and hard, moving it between different notes, unlike in the original version of the song, for this time it had my personal touch to it, since I wasn't just singing it; I was feeling it. After all, the song represented me.

We repeated the chorus one last time and finished the song. Then, the amphitheatre suddenly loudened up again with the screaming cheers and applause from the crowd. I smiled, and looked at the once again wild crowd, and turned back to my band, grinning from ear to ear.

"Great job guys, we showed 'em," I said.

"Man, you were awesome, what were you thinking?" Josh said to me.

I merely chuckled, as I turned back and faced the crowd, still cheering wildy. Once again I glanced at him; this time, his expression was unreadable as he applauded with the crowd, though he saved his cheering out loud. I thanked the crowd as they started to dissipate and head off in different directions to their classes or lockers.

But he stayed behind. As we packed up and chatted about our performance then, he came up to me.

"Hey, you were really good just then," he said, though slightly awkwardly.

I looked him in the eye, my gaze piercing; unflinching, unsmiling.

"You sing better with a broken heart."

Without another word, I turned my back and went to help the others.

I left him standing there, just as he had done with me.

Summer hols

2009-11-22T13:56:00.000+11:00

Now that school's over (along with exams), I don't really have an idea about what to do with my time. Sure, there's the trip back home, a couple of outings with friends, driving lessons, runs, guitar lessons, DVD nights and upcoming holiday homework, but it's not like I'm gonna go out everyday. Well I'll find more things to do.

The year went by pretty fast, I have to say. Well I guess that's the norm now, back then the years seemed to crawl by like a snail. I guess they go by faster as you get older. Before long you'll start to realise that your younger years didn't seem to far away.

Which reminds me, I watched The Bucket List yesterday; good film about making the most of the present and enjoying life while you still can. So much for actually living in the last few months of your life.

Spring hols. :D

2009-09-19T15:41:00.003+10:00

Wow, that hardly felt like 3 terms......I guess time really does fly.

These hols won't exactly be anything special, apart from:

Melbourne Show on Wednesday
Birthday outing on Thursday :D
Bowling sometime with the girls in my class
And mum's birthday. :)

And homework, homework and more homework. >< Just handed in a Legal SAC yesterday, got another one to do over the hols. -.-""" And a history research assignment from the cookie monster/conehead/dirty old man who hits on librarians.

Last day of school was relatively fun. After finishing the dreaded maths test on variation during the last period of the day, our teacher let us out for the last 10 minutes of the lesson, while the rest of them finished up. The weather was perfect, so we headed out under the Sails and pretended it was playtime, just like in primary school. :P Well not like I had playtime in primary school anyway, but yeah. :D

Currently listening to: Disease - Matchbox Twenty

Jazz Night @ Glen Waverley Bowls Club

2009-09-15T22:55:00.005+10:00

Okay, so it wasn't a pub gig, but still, it was a GIG. And there was alcohol served as well, though we didn't have any since we were all under-age. :P

Last night was Jazz Night at the Glen Waverley Bowls Club, organised by the music department; all the stage bands were to play that night, along with the staff band (or as they called themselves, the "mystery band"). We played at the dining hall; the standard of the place was lower than we all expected, since we were all expecting some ultra-grand place with a nice space for us to play, like they do in actual pubs where the jazz bands play, but in the end we didn't really care haha. Instead of it being a formal concert like Autumn/Spring Gala, it was more of a social kinda gathering and everyone was free to talk, drink and eat. :D Funny thing was that there was alcohol there, but like I said none of the kids had any lol. I know Mitch managed to scab some off his dad, though. The rest of the kids downed ginger beer, soft drinks and chips. And lots of it. :P

We were, without a doubt, the favourite band of the night. :P Not just 'cos we'd won gold at bands fest, but 'cos we played with groove, awesome solos and an even better repertoire of jazz tunes. :P Too bad I don't really have any good photos of the night. ><

And oh, here's the fun shot of us at bands fest. :P

Yep, we were pointing at the huge speaker up on the wall. And somehow I'm the only one using my right hand to point.........>< That pic's now up on my bedroom wall. It'll make a good memory. :D

Sad thing is, I'm probably not doing stage band next year, since I'll be in year 11 and the workload's just gonna pile up, and I don't think I'll able to balance practice and homework.

Anyways, bye for now. :)

Currently listening to: Forever & Always - Taylor Swift

Gold at Bands Fest!!! :D

2009-09-05T17:03:00.001+10:00

I still find it hard to believe that our stage band won gold at the Melbourne School Bands Festival. I remember when Ms Bunn interrupted my science class to bring me the news; I didn't stop spazzing about it for the next 24 hours. :P

On the night of our first performance at Robert Blackwood Hall at Monash Uni, there was hardly anyone in the audience, but our band had a field time criticising the performances of the other bands, and of course, performing ourselves as well. :D The adjudicator didn't say anything negative about our performance, and didn't make us replay parts over and over again, unlike most of the other bands. :P I guess that was the cue to tell us that we'd done well; only that we didn't realise it at that time.

And when it was time to take our band photo, we did a normal, serious one; and since Ms Bunn had told us to "go out there, smile and pretend to have fun", we as a band decided to show that we knew how to have fun, so we did another funny one, with all of us pointing up towards a giant speaker on the side of the wall. Well even though she'd told us to "pretend to have fun", we all actually enjoyed ourselves anyway. :P I reckon that's part of the reason why we won as well.

Since we'd won gold, we were invited to play at the finale concert at the same venue again. The place was packed, and some guy named Carl Riseley was there as a special guest; nobody in our band quite knew who he was, though the screaming preteen girls sitting behind us in the audience seemed to. We were to find out later that he was a top 3 contestant on a season of Australian Idol (can't remember which season anyway).

Now, we just gotta wait for the pub gig on September 14.........

Another idea: Leaving.

2009-08-09T00:24:00.002+10:00

"Don't leave," he whispered, almost pleading. "Please. I'm......I'm sorry."

I watched on, unmoved. He didn't believe in what he said. He said it only because I was close to death, seemingly in the futile hope that my fading will to live would suddenly re-emerge and overpower the toll that the injuries had taken on my body. If I came back, everything would go back to the way it was before; it'll be as though the accident never happened and I wouldn't be here in the hospital on my deathbed; nothing would change. He simply didn't want someone he knew - but never really cared about - to die. I knew he didn't mean it.

Without another thought, I left.

The electrocardiogram sounded that long, dreaded beep.

"No...." he murmured. It took a second for him to realise what was happening. "No, NO!"

I smirked on my way up to heaven. It was about time he felt what it was like to truly lose someone, anyone. Ultimately, I wasn't looking forward to living anyway. Not as though my absence would leave a wounded, gaping hole in the hearts of those whom I knew on Earth; even if it did, it would heal rather quickly, perhaps quicker than most wounds.

Medical staff rushed into the room, and hurriedly escorted him out as they tried to revive my now-lifeless body, to no avail.

Just another idea I'd been playing around with. It's obviously not a full-fledged story, just an idea for one.

Currently listening to: Breathe - Ryan Star.

What if........?

2009-07-21T23:27:00.003+10:00

What if........

You went to bed one day wishing you'd never wake up again, and your wish comes true?

Watching from wherever you are in the afterlife, would you regret your decision to leave so suddenly?

Would you start to miss the life you had on earth, even though as you fell asleep, you felt ready to leave it all behind?

Or would you watch on blankly, unmoved, or even glad, that you're gone, as everyone you ever knew struggles to come to terms with your sudden departure? Or, like I said earlier, would you start to regret your decision?

Given a choice, somewhere between this life and the next, would you stay, or would you leave?

Just something I'd been pondering over the last couple of weeks.

Currently listening to: Beautiful Day - Saving Abel; from the album Saving Abel.

The mind

2009-05-21T21:16:00.003+10:00

Often I have vivid imaginations; so vivid they're almost real. If I were an artist, I would've drawn them all out by now, and plastered them all over the walls of my bedroom.

They're about almost anything, really. I see it all in my mind's eye. It's like a fantasy escape, really. It's like I can withdraw into the space of my mind whenever and wherever I want, and I'm in own little piece of heaven, dreaming up anything and everything that makes me happy; few as those things are, I hold them dear.

My mind is perhaps my greatest possession. It's the one thing that no-one else can touch, a safe place in times of chaos, the one and only thing that truly belongs to each and every one of us, and us only. My mind's eye sees everything and anything, possible or impossible, real or imaginary, calming or frightening. It is a gift at most times, but at times it can be a curse, when it gets altered by everything else going on around you, when it starts to turn against you and create visions that frighten you, sadden you, and perhaps even break you down inside.

But then again, thinking about it, it allows you to imagine, and dream of, impossible things, whether they be ideas, places, people, situations or even other worlds, or parallel universes. It's a vast expanse that has no limit whatsoever; it's only limited by how much you dare to imagine, and how that will shape your mind.

Stage Band performance

2009-05-18T22:30:00.001+10:00

Intermediate Stage Band performed under the Sails today, for periods 5 and 6. It was perhaps the shittiest gig ever. ><>< Everyone said I did well, but personally, I didn't think so. I stuffed up a couple of times. I was feeling terrible by the end of our first performance, but by the time it was all over I was feeling much worse. I couldn't even eat during the break between our first and second performances.

But on a more positive side, I have to say, my improvising and soloing has improved greatly. But it's still not good enough, in my opinion. It's still not kickass.

Currently listening to: Rise Today - Alter Bridge; from the album Blackbird.

Hmm.......

2009-04-20T22:15:00.005+10:00

Randomly enough, I started thinking about what song(s) would be played at my funeral.........

If anything, most, if not all, funeral songs are selected for their meaning, not the music.

After looking through my playlist, and some deliberation, I came up with a list of songs:

1. In Loving Memory - Alter Bridge
Alter Bridge's lead guitarist, Mark Tremonti (who admittedly is one of the best rock guitarists), wrote the song about the death of his mother. Basically it talks about how a loved one was always there for him, and even though they're gone, their spirit still lives on and guides them in their life, giving them strength when they are weak, and comfort in their sorrow.

Well there's a whole lot more to it, so the lyrics are here: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/alterbridge/inlovingmemory.html

2. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
Dunno why, but this song's melancholy tone makes it perfect as a funeral song. It's almost like a song of salvation, or taking on the world with someone else, because you know you can't do it on your own.

Once again, here are the lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/snowpatrol/chasingcars.html

3. Savin' Me - Nickelback
Once again, going with the whole theme of salvation/redemption here. And as everyone can tell from the title, the song's about saving someone, particularly yourself. Thing is, are you worth saving? That's the question the song begs.

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/nickelback/savinme.html

4. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
One of the guitar god's most famous songs, written about the pain he felt after his 4-year-old son fell to his death from the 53rd floor of a condominium in 1991. Not that the song has any references to his death; it merely talks about wanting to be with someone in heaven, only that your time isn't up yet, and you still have to live your life; but until then, you have to be strong and move on. Well at least that's how I interpret it.

Lyrics: http://www.eric-clapton.co.uk/ecla/lyrics/tears-in-heaven.html

5. From Where You Are - Lifehouse
Lifehouse's lead singer, Jason Wade, wrote the song for Allstate's (an insurance company in the US) Teen Driving Program; the song is dedicated to teens who have lost their lives in accidents, and to a friend of Jason that died in a car accident at the age of 16. Tragic as it is, however, the song never mentions/describes anything about dying in a car accident; rather, it talks about missing someone who is far away/gone, and recalling the little things and the special moments you shared.

Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/from-where-you-are-lyrics-lifehouse.html

6. I Am the Highway - Audioslave
Another melancholy song; Chris Cornell's (one of the best rock singers, in my opinion) raw, evocative vocals match the sombre lyrics; they talk of a life, numbed by the number of obstacles overcomed and the burdens carried, and how he isn't scared of leaving the world, and everything, behind. It seems that way to me, at least. Either way, a good one.

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/audioslave/iamthehighway.html

7. One Last Breath - Creed
Another (classic) example of the salvation/redemption theme. The song's simply about someone, who, with their last breath, is trying to hold on to life and to the things they hold dear. Sometimes, the song's also called "Six feet from the edge".

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/creed/onelastbreath.html

8. Fix You - Coldplay
As random as Coldplay's lyrics are (though some people reckon they're poetry o.O), this song seems to be the only one out of their entire repertoire that has even an ounce of meaning to it. Basically it kinda goes with the salvation/saving theme (you know, fix you). Not a bad one, though.

Lyrics: http://www.metrolyrics.com/fix-you-lyrics-coldplay.html

9. Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
Redemption/forgiveness theme here. The song is a confession from someone who has made poor choices and done wrong in his past, and he fears condemnation; he wants to redeem himself, so that he can be remembed as a good person in other peoples' memory when he dies. It also mentions the differences between two individuals that shouldn't matter; the ones that make us all human.

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/leaveoutalltherest.html

10. Shadow of the Day - Linkin Park
Melancholy one about "the sun setting for you". Basically about turning your back on the world and leaving everything behind. Poignant enough for a funeral.

Lyrics: http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/linkinpark/shadowoftheday.html

There, that's my list. I might add more to it, I dunno, depends on my ever-growing collection of music. xD

Currently listening to: From Where You Are - Lifehouse; from the Single.